Sunset Valley — Sim Citizen Stiles McGraw, after saving for years to afford his huge, cavernous dream home, was dismayed to discover that his new house is so vast and spacious that it’s destroying his lifestyle.
“I’m miserable,” he said through an interpreter. “By the time I get out of bed in the morning, walk to the kitchen to eat, then walk to the bathroom to wash up, half the day is gone. I missed work yesterday because I wanted to paint on my easel on the deck, and by the time I got out there it was already noon.”
“Last week, I was swimming in the pool, and got tired. The bedroom is so far away I only made it halfway there before collapsing to the floor and falling asleep in the foyer. This house is just way too big.”
McGraw, who worked his way up from a lowly coffee courier to vice president at Sunset Valley’s Office Building, spent years saving his hard-earned Simoleans, dreaming of someday buying a mansion on beautiful Summerhill Court. “I had it all planned out. It would be two stories, nice car in the driveway, hot-tub out back, telescope on the balcony, see-through walls and roof… it was going to be heaven.”
Unfortunately, the reality turned out much differently. “My bedroom is upstairs, and getting down to the kitchen in the morning seems to take forever. Then, I have to prepare an elaborate meal, walk it over to the dining room table, put it down, turn, pull out my chair, sit down, and eat. After that, I’m clearing the dishes, washing them, then it’s off to the bathroom. It’s, like, mid-afternoon by that point. I’m so frustrated I just want to yell and wave my arms at the sky.”
“I mean, there are things I want to have time to do with my life. I bought a new painting for the den, and I haven’t even found time to walk over, look at it, and start applauding. If I want to use my computer to play some games while giggling and hooting, I have to carve out an entire afternoon just to get to my desk. I think I was better off sharing a much smaller house with four roommates on Sunnyside Boulevard.”
McGraw is finding that his spacious new mansion is affecting his social life as well. “I met this cute policewoman one night after someone attempted to rob my mansion. I chatted with her, and called her the next day. She came over, and we talked about how we both liked sailboats and didn’t like tennis rackets. We flirted a bit, I gave her a massage, we kissed a little. I thought, wow, this could definitely lead to some WooHoo.”
He paused, sadly. “But it took so long to get her upstairs to my bedroom, that by the time we got to the bed she had to go to the bathroom. When she finally got done, I was hungry, and while I was headed to the kitchen to make some food, she went out to dance to music on the deck. Hours later, I finally got her back upstairs, but she was tired and wanted to leave, and I needed to use the bathroom so badly I urinated on the floor. It kind of killed the mood.”
What does McGraw plan to do now that his house hasn’t lived up to his expectations? “I’d like to sell it, honestly,” he admitted. “I’m just not sure who would want it. Showing it to a prospective buyer would take all day, and they might get turned off by how huge and inconvenient it is. All the pee stains on the floor aren’t going to help, either. For now, I guess I’m stuck here.”
At least it’s not as bad as that poor bastard Secdegre Burns that lives down the road. His house was filled with cheap ovens, thinking it’d come in handy for family cooking parties. After one caught fire, he couldn’t help but stare and yell at it until the fire spread to all the ovens around him.
That’s nothing. Did you hear about the sim a few houses down who went swimming in a pool with no ladder? Poor Bastard died of exhaustion by his 27th length.
He deserved it though. The guy never watered his plants and I heard that he sexually harassed his maid. He was a real douche!
And poor Miss McGuire, she named her son Noobface and then found the doors of her living room had disappeared and starved to death.
I knew this one guy who, for no reason at all, decided to brick himself inside this tiny room. It was like the single-player version of The Cask of Amontillado, or something.
As far as I know he’s still in there. They say that on nights just like this you can still heat him banging on the walls.
As an aside, has anyone else been abducted by aliens lately? That was an extremely unpleasent experience.
What irks me is that whenever I feel the need to go to the bathroom I can’t until it just…feels right, like I’m waiting on God to tell me to go, my parents and friends get it too. Weird. Anyone else get that?
Or how the people at my work have like, no qualifications or experience and just get promoted every few days!
At least the neighbors aren’t peeing on his floor.
Well this is awkward.
Hey Stiles, it’s me, Stacy from the other night. I just wanted to touch base with you after seeing this article and apologize for leaving. I have to say, I was honestly quite impressed by your place, and coming from a wealthy family myself, I know how hard it is to be rich sometimes. Give me a call sometime, I’d love to chat you up about yo-yo’s.
P.S. I had an accident on your deck. I’m so sorry.
I for one am appalled by the rising number of occurrences of arson by a malevolent being that seems to enjoy encasing people in rooms by blocking the doorways with couches, chairs, more stoves, then forcing them to cook until one inevitably screws up and catches the stove on fire. Then the group walk around helplessly as the counters that keep appearing beside them catch on fire, one by one, until there is one left.
The sad thing is, people keep moving into the neighbor hood. The floating houses seem to be an attraction, even though the science behind it is shady at best.
HELP.
ABDUCTED.
ALIENS.
STRANGEVILLE.
..
Back off bitch, Mortimer isn’t missing you.
Hello Mr. Stiles
I write from Ukraine to say I share your problem. It feels time goes very fast here and I do not have time to free barter friend then kill military patrol at bridge then bring tail of mutated dog even and day ends. Weather is fast as well sometimes rains then sun comes out ten minutes later then rains again. Though it makes sense here because nuclear power plant exploded and broked reality. But I know how you feels.
Yabbe itnklu ferghinstein bachuu Nivolr, Stupshtale muna? Baarabe fergle. Shmudtle tartle ibba stlighin shtein. Nhew plazu maka maka jonina oten, glarbelen shmudtle: Yaaaaaabaaa, yaaaaabaaaaa. Ari ponaki, kanin bombays, Norki Bob. Huctle bamble shmidt stttien. Norki Bob.
Ickglan stillstein lamad Chilobsay.
Ickjan mavo stillstein barbomeba. Shutmuyjs Ireland. Nopahgp feaa
Translation: It’s me, Bob. The guy who built your house? Yeah, similar thing happened a few weeks ago. Remember the woman, Nivolr, from down the street? Yeah she’s dead. I’m the guy who built her house. When the police found her suicide note, it read: Braaaaaains, braaaaaaaaains. I’m dying, turning into a zombie, Kill Bob. He forgot to put doors. Kill Bob.
Turns out I’m still in college. Weird, huh?
Anyway, I hope you have a good life. I’m running to Ireland, feel free to join me.
@Marked One: Marked One, what the hell?!?
Why and how did you suddenly appear in my bunker? I nearly had my third heart attack!
Stiles:
Sorry I hadn’t seen you since my last party, I guess when you came over things were just so crazy. I mean, with the birthday cake having been bought yesterday and all, I had no idea that it actually could go bad JUST AS THE CANDLES were blown out, so my boyfriend and I were unclogging toilets all night. Adam barely noticed, though, he was so busy getting taller in a few seconds, excited about no lonegr being busted for curfew, and for reasons I cannot fathom changing his entire wardrobe in front of the entire party! And don’t ask me where he got those strange little boxes to appear from when he stripped after his 7th glass of nectar.
Look, I know that even though I am the Chief Surgeon and you still owe me 750 simoleons for your gall bladder transplant, take it from this gay archeologist medical physician world-class chef chess player: get yourself some house mummies. Oh sure, they are slow. And yeah, even if you’ve had them around the house for YEARS you always tend to get startled and forget what you are doing, which does tend to create a few more of those urine stains. But they are handy with a mop, which is good, because those bandages tend to absorb water — keep them out of the sprinklers! But get a few of them to tend to the household chores, and as that sassy lady of finance, SIM ORZEMAN says,: INVEST! Buy up shares of those buildings and bookstores and in no time you can retire and take an entire day getting to your widescreen television so you can collapse in exhaustion on your loveseat.
And pee yourself.
Hmm… Perhaps I should return to the Sim realms to bring magics… I do recall that there was a teleportation spell somewhere in the kit…
…
Nah. Too many celebrities were using their powers in broad daylight. So many burnt witches… So many smores…
No. I won’t be going back into magic reintroductions. You’ll have to find those weak-minded fools the Light and Dark Witches to get some magical ability, and let me tell you, you probably won’t get the teleportation effect.
One incantation that works with everyone is “CONTROLSHIFTALTC”, but I’ve never figured out what it does. I can feel a stirring of the thaumic field, but I can’t seem to figure out what else is needed to add to the incantation to cause magical effect…
The tome I read of it in mentioned rosebuds and something called a klapaicaus a lot… Perhaps they’re ingredients to add to a cauldron?