$200 Million Nanosuit Used Primarily to Throw Turtle Around

Lingshan Island, South China Sea — A U.S. Army Delta Force team member, dispatched to combat North Korean Forces who had taken over an island in the South China Sea and abducted several archeologists working there, has been using his taxpayer-funded, $200 million combat Nanosuit primarily to throw a turtle around.

“This is so cool,” said Lieutenant Jake Dunn, codenamed “Nomad”, as he picked up the large turtle for the third time, set his Nanosuit to maximum strength, and then threw the turtle as far as he could. “I can really chuck that thing far.”

“Wow, I can jump really high, too,” he added. “This is bitchin’.”

The Nanosuit, built for the military by Crynet Systems and funded with U.S. tax dollars, has a number of high-tech features, including heightened armor and a cloaking device, designed to turn its wearer into an elite super-soldier capable of infiltrating enemy forces and surviving extreme combat situations. It can also give the wearer the ability to throw things, like turtles, much further than an ordinary human could.

Dunn held still, allowing the suit to recharge its strength feature, before picking up and throwing the now-deceased turtle one more time. “Awesome,” he said. He tried out another feature, and listened as the male voice in his earpiece announced “Maximum speed.”

“Why do computer voices always have British accents?” he wondered aloud. Then he sprinted forward, seeing how fast he could run with the device enabled. “Cool,” he said. “That’s really fast.”

Continuing to ignore his his mission objectives, Dunn, who had not had a previous opportunity to test out his nano-powered armor, also tried picking up and throwing various other objects, such as a wooden crate and a log. “I also love how that when I pick something up, I can look down and see my hands holding it, no matter what it is.”

“Man,” he said. “I bet that cost a lot.”

Paddling around the ocean a few minutes later to see if the “maximum speed” setting made him a faster swimmer, Lieutenant Dunn and the Nanosuit were eaten by sharks.


  1. Good to see someone standing up against those turtles, they’ve been getting away with it for too long. In fact, this is a much better use of taxpayer’s $ than that pesky healthcare plan.

  2. I am severely disappointed by the unpatriotic bias the obsserver has demonstrated here. Once again, the liberal media has failed to acknowledge the clear and present danger amphibious reptiles pose to our way of life. The men and women in our armed forces and oil-drilling industries risk their lives every day to pacify these dangerous coastal ecosystems so that we can sleep soundly at night. If an incredibly high-tech nanosuit is what our heroes need to get the job done, then such is the price of freedom.

  3. God bless those Koopa troopers.

  4. You know, this is exactly the kind of thing leading counter-terrorist groups like UNATCO implement training to prevent. And even then, millions of advanced agents die every year to falling a few feet too far after running out of battery juice. It’s hardly a surprise to lose a few to sharks.

    What a shame.

  5. Its a sign of the times when our administration doesn’t even respond to these terrorist sharks.

    That’s Obama’s new government for you.

  6. Dr. ROCKZO says:

    Nomad sux

    Ur gay

  7. Adam Grey says:

    Wouldn’a happened in my time I tell ya’. Hell, back in my time, you weren’t even allowed to take your hands off your gun!

  8. Commander Shepard says:

    Do they take orders?

  9. This is what our taxpayer dollars are used for? This is a disgrace! There should be a flame thrower attached to the suit to make this turtle genocide easier.

  10. Just goes to show that a fancy 21st century techno-suit isn’t as good as a good old fashioned 20th century diving suit, at least when it comes to hanging out with sharks.

  11. the voice is not British O.o

  12. Seriously, he throws a few turtles around and gets put into the news? Whilst Nomad was messing around in the jungle I was busy cleaning up his mess behind the scenes.

    What about his callsign…”NOMAD”

    Mine is motherfucking PSYCHO.

  13. Major Laurence Barnes says:

    Aztec has been stuck for about 16 hours by now he better get his arse out of that tree

  14. What CAN you expect from the U.S. military? Those so-called protectors of freedom are nothing more than glorified stooges, I say! Parading with their big explosions and expensive equipment as if there was an invisible camera filming their exploits behind their backs; that’s all an attempt to hide their utter incompetence.

    What if, say, some unexpected horror befell our nation? Something impossible, like, I don’t know, robotic aliens invading New York City for example! I know, I know, just giving an example here. What is the military going to do then, eh? Next thing we know, our lives will be depending on our Nomad redneck friend here. What is he, going to grab the threat by the neck and punch it repeatedly until it dies?

    Just intolerable.

  15. Major Laurence Barnes says:

    Yeah right now he just caused a intergalactic invasion ONLY THE US CAN DO THAT!

  16. Michael Bloomberg says:

    I can see the news now: “Aliens level New York! Supposed supersoldier savior distracted by pet box turtle. Owner of offending animal says, “I like turtles.” More at eleven.

    We are truly, horribly doomed.