Lingshan Island, South China Sea — A U.S. Army Delta Force team member, dispatched to combat North Korean Forces who had taken over an island in the South China Sea and abducted several archeologists working there, has been using his taxpayer-funded, $200 million combat Nanosuit primarily to throw a turtle around.
“This is so cool,” said Lieutenant Jake Dunn, codenamed “Nomad”, as he picked up the large turtle for the third time, set his Nanosuit to maximum strength, and then threw the turtle as far as he could. “I can really chuck that thing far.”
“Wow, I can jump really high, too,” he added. “This is bitchin’.”
The Nanosuit, built for the military by Crynet Systems and funded with U.S. tax dollars, has a number of high-tech features, including heightened armor and a cloaking device, designed to turn its wearer into an elite super-soldier capable of infiltrating enemy forces and surviving extreme combat situations. It can also give the wearer the ability to throw things, like turtles, much further than an ordinary human could.
Dunn held still, allowing the suit to recharge its strength feature, before picking up and throwing the now-deceased turtle one more time. “Awesome,” he said. He tried out another feature, and listened as the male voice in his earpiece announced “Maximum speed.”
Continuing to ignore his his mission objectives, Dunn, who had not had a previous opportunity to test out his nano-powered armor, also tried picking up and throwing various other objects, such as a wooden crate and a log. “I also love how that when I pick something up, I can look down and see my hands holding it, no matter what it is.”
“Man,” he said. “I bet that cost a lot.”
Paddling around the ocean a few minutes later to see if the “maximum speed” setting made him a faster swimmer, Lieutenant Dunn and the Nanosuit were eaten by sharks.