Control Point Seriously Needs Capturing, Soldier Points Out To Guys

Badlands, South Dakota — In the midst of a hotly contested battle to capture a control point, a soldier for the Builders League United (BLU) announced to several guys that they needed to capture the control point. Seriously.

“Come on guys,” the soldier said to his teammates, in a bored voice that downplayed the brilliance of his tactical awareness of the situation. “Seriously. We gotta take that point.”

“Guys,” he added. “Seriously.”

The soldier’s bold statement of purpose came after several minutes of violent conflict raging around a control point on a tall, rocky spire, which the members of rival group Reliable Excavation Demolition (RED) had captured earlier that day. Realizing that RED currently had control of the point, the soldier instinctively determined that BLU should, and indeed must, regain control of that point. Seriously.

Putting this complex series of revelations into words was next in the soldier’s series of brilliant tactical moves.

“Guys,” the soldier reiterated, elaborating further on his already complex strategy. “Come on. Let’s get that point.”

Other members of BLU received word of the plan, having had no idea up until that moment that the control point they’d been fighting on and around for long minutes required capture.

Guys. Seriously.

“No shit,” said a BLU Demoman, clearly impressed with the tactical thinking on display.

“Really?” offered a Heavy who was currently standing on the very control point, fighting for his life. “Thanks, I had no idea.”

This isn’t the first time this same soldier has demonstrated leadership and tactical planning in combat situations. He has hatched a number of equally brilliant plans in his career, all of which he has selflessly and repeatedly offered to his teammates.

While struggling to steal secret intelligence documents from RED’s base several weeks ago, he quickly determined that a medic on the BLU team would be needed for success, and stated “We really need a medic” nearly a dozen times in the span of five minutes.

On another occasion, while his team was attempting to push a cart with a bomb strapped to it into enemy territory, the soldier determined that the best way to push the cart was by pushing the cart, which he expressed to his team by telling them, “Push the cart.”

As the battle for the control point continued, the soldier noticed that despite repeatedly outlining his plan to retake the point, the point was not being retaken. Undaunted, he continued to helpfully guide his teammates toward their goal.

“Guys,” he said again. “Guys, seriously.”

“Come on.”


  1. Sniper says:

    And there goes a genius, only paralleled by the Pyro and his/her muffled words of wisdom

  2. The Eyelander says:


  3. RED Soldier says:

    BLU Soldier… you magnificent bastard, I read your book!

  4. Seriously.

  5. The guy who actually doe shit in objective based games says:

    Obviously you’ve never played Domination, Demolition, or Sabotage in Modern Warfare 2. People will do anything but play the objective. Instead, they’ll just farm kills. Useless.

  6. BLU Soldier says:

    Guys, seriously.

    Sun Tzu said that, and I’d say he knows a little more about capping the point than you do, pal, because he INVENTED IT.

  7. Announcer says:


  8. Sandvich says:

    Kill them all!

  9. Kill them all? You are a loose cannon, Sandvich.
    But you are a damn good cop.

  10. Sexlexia says:

    lol, who would actually TRY to cap the intel? Thats funny.

    All i do in tf2 anymore is play heavy and pawnch people.

  11. BLU Pyro says:

    Mmmph MMMMUUUH humm muh mumhumph! Mmmhmph mmmm phmmm mmh, mmm hmmmpha!

  12. RED Spy says:

    Yes, please, concentrate on the point. Just ignore me as best you can. I promise not to get in the way.

  13. Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!
    Need a dispensa hehr!

  14. Engineer says:

    You can say about the Soldier what you want, but at the end of the day he’s still trying to get results. Unlike that Scout fella…

    The only words coming out of that jerk’s mouth are “bonk” and “need a dispenser here”.

  15. MMMMPH!

    MMmmm. Mmmph. Mmmpgh.

  16. You guys need any leaves blown off the control point? I can do that now. Valve buffed my leafblower.

  17. RED Sentry says:

    *beep!* *whirrrirrrirrrirrr*
    *beep!* *whirrrirrrirrrirrr*
    *beep!* *whirrrirrri-*

    *beep!* *whirrrirrrirrrirrr*

  18. Coded One says:

    I just have to say that this is the first Article that made me laugh out loud. It’s probably just because I play too much TF2 (is 530 total hours too much?).

  19. What the good Soldier fails to realize is that getting KGB kills for your achievement is much more important than any silly “objectives”

  20. 12 year old playing as a Heavy says:

    Uh, guys?
    Okay, my plan is, like, we shoot people, and then we can…
    Then we can take their point.

  21. Sniper says:

    Right up there with the famous war cry of “FAG” and “GAY”

  22. Vagineer says:

    !uHuHuHuHuH !TibanggaD !tinmaD !gniog teG !sallef no emoC

  23. Engineer says:


  24. Next breaking story:


    The Administrator reported feeling confident that the control point would be captured soon yesterday, despite the unabashed intensity of the war that still rages three years after her announcement of “Mission Accomplished”.

  25. The soldier’s excellent display of leadership and tactical planning have amazed all, as the administrator have pointed out for the first time, while she delivered tongue-lashings to others in the midst of the battle.

    “Give this veteran 5 years, and his skills will even surpass mine, team fortress 2 is too small a stage for his full potential, who knows what height can he achieve?”

    The spotlight of the world is focused on the soldier, who is still delivering motivational and inspiring statements to his comrades.
    “Guys,” he stated with devotion, “Seriously, come on.”

  26. Imperial Guard says:



  27. Gordon Freeman says:

  28. SAS Operative says:

    The so-called tactical expert from the Builders League United clearly has not understood the real tactics of modern combat. I am a veteran of countless battles – most of which only lasted five minutes – and I have found an excellent approach to achieving my objectives. While on a mission to rescue three to four hostages, disarm an explosive threatening the precious Bombsite B — or maybe while escorting a VIP to his chopper (or was it Zed’s chopper? But Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.) — my tactic of choice is always to find a secluded spot, bring out my oversized sniper rifle and wait for the tangos to walk right into my sights. I sometimes bring a tent with me, for those really long nights. I’ve found that this really gets those hostages rescued, bombs disarmed and VIPs escorted — all of it by just sitting there.

    Alright, let’s move out!

    Or let’s not.

  29. In Russia control point caps YOU! HA HA!

  30. Lone Wonderer says:

    Guys we seriously need to get some clean water.

  31. Engineer. says:

    He should’ve asked for teleporters, too bad my new genious inventions aren’t done yet, it’d be a snap to cap that point with those.

  32. State Championship Optimus Prime says:

    Wait… what? “Seriously you guys seriously” has been a -chan meme for decades.

    Good show Onionizing it, though!

  33. You know what suck the heads mean? i figured out what capping the point,but Keith decided to cap the point but was shot with a rocket.

  34. There’s only one thing that gets my goat more than idiots who don’t capture control points, and that’s when I drop my razor and Tasmania disappears. I have to spend the next three seconds willing it to grow back, and that’s time I could spend selecting the cow for my elevensies steak.

  35. Sam Fisher says:

    Why would you want to capture a point, if you can just blow it up, get paid, upgrade your equipment, and move on to your next obj.??? Comeon people… think for a change…

  36. Hyaaaa! HAI! Yaaah! Ungh! Haiya! Yaaaah! Hyaaa! Hugh!

  37. TITS!

  38. Francis says:

    I hate control points.

  39. Francis, is there anything, you dont hate?

  40. Gordon Freeman says:

    Bill, stop talking, you’re dead. Remember?

    Oh, wait, I mean, “…”

  41. JC Denton says:

    Surely the control point can’t possibly be more important then that soda can I just tossed over there. Seriously, the can is really important. You should totally turn your back on me to go check it out.

  42. A Concerned Medic says:

    Vithout ze help of his comerades to capture ze point, zis brave soldier might fall victim to depression, which could make him start whining like a wee baby in chat.

    Please, for ze sake of all of my pocket soldiers, help cap a point today! Shnell!

    Seriously, comrades.

  43. Blasto the first Hanar Spectre says:

    @Imperial Guard
    This one wonders whether the criminal scum considers itself fortunate.

  44. In Disguise says:

    Why capture, when you can trick your enemy into stepping into the kill zone? AND THEN STAB THEM TO DEATH.

  45. Cool site!!

  46. I luurve horses.

  47. I’m tired of running through endless test chambers.
    Anyone know how I can sign up to help “cap this point”?

  48. letssaycprox