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Gotham’s Legendary Crime-Fighter Gradually Learns to Fight Crime

Arkham Asylum, Gotham City — Legendary Gotham City crime-fighter Batman, after years of vigilante service combating thugs, monsters, and super villains, gradually learned a number of basic crime-fighting moves while dealing with the Joker’s recent takeover of Arkham Asylum.

Despite his years of experience battling numerous insane villains and their hordes of goons and ruffians, Batman, Gotham’s mysterious masked avenger, discovered there is still much to learn about unarmed attacks and evasive maneuvers, such as how to perform unarmed attacks and evasive maneuvers.

“This works great,” Batman growled, throwing one attacking Arkham goon into another. “Throwing one goon into another goon and stunning them both is a great way to deal with crowds of enemies. Why haven’t I tried at some earlier point in my long career of fighting crowds of enemies?”

“Takes a little getting the hang of, though,” he added, attempting another throw and failing. “I’ll have to work on that.”

After foiling the Joker’s latest plan to kill the mayor, Batman was escorting the notorious villain back to the asylum he’d escaped from earlier. Suddenly, after long minutes of foreshadowing, taunting, and other hints of his impending escape, the Joker escaped, taking over the asylum and sending his thugs after Batman, who then began to learn a series of combat moves to deal with the threat.

“Just in time, too,” growled Batman, hanging upside-down from one of Arkham’s many interior stone gargoyles. “I was just dangling here, inverted, wondering how to take down these thugs below me, when I suddenly learned how to do an inverted takedown.”

When facing a murderous escaped lunatic named Victor Zsasz, Batman found himself looking for a way to stealthily take down the criminal. It was at that moment he tried a glide kick, which involves sailing through the air with his cape extended and landing feet-first on his target, for the first time in his career.

“Another useful move,” Batman said. “Glad I suddenly learned that. Makes wearing a cape for all these years totally worth it.”

As he continued taking down enemies, he felt himself becoming more experienced in fighting, and hoped that experience would lead him to further breakthroughs in the art of combat. Spotting a criminal approaching the corner he was concealed behind, Batman waited patiently.

“I just hope I learn some way to take down an enemy from around a corner,” he growled quietly.

“It sure would come in handy right about now.”

Comments

  1. Batman was never the same after No Man’s Land. It was almost as if experience… ‘reseted him’, as strange as that term may sound.

  2. Super Hero Amnesia Medicare says:

    Us here at Super Hero Amnesia Medicare, would like to thank the people at First Person Observer for bringing the case of batman to our attention.

    The sudden Amnesia Super Heroes often suffer at the start of a new story arc in their lives, leaving them with only basic grasps on their abilities is a silent threat many people don’t know some super heroes have to suffer.

    Thanks to this article we have been able to provide batman with a wide range of treatments for his condition, which will hopefully speed his recovery and vastly increase the amount of ass he can kick to keep us all safe at night.

  3. Oh man me too! I was called in to back up some of my fellow officers at a Bio-Research lab, and I had to face down this creepy cyborg-ish guy. Right before our fight started, I thought to myself, “what if instead of punching him twice, I keep going and hit him with an uppercut?” It worked really well! I’m hiding inside a science prison right now so I should keep it short, but a little while ago I also figured out if I crouch down for a second just before punching someone, I can hit them extra hard! The only drawback is I have this irresistable urge to yell “RISING FURY!!!” really loudly whenever I do it…

  4. A good cure for Super Hero Amnesia is wholesale massacre. It’s worked for me a few times now.

  5. @ Super Hero Amnesia Medicare

    Do you offer a similar service for weapons? Because this is /really/ pissing me off.

  6. @ Gordon Freeman: Just carry around an AR3 with you at all times. I asked around, and nobody I know has ever heard of someone losing an AR3.

  7. Alyx Vance says:

    @Gordon Freeman: You can talk?! Wow… I don’t think I like you anymore… You’re like a completely different person to me now.

  8. @ Alyx Vance:

    F*CK!
    I mean, uh, …

  9. Alyx Vance says:

    @Gordon Freeman: Stop by the lab later. Your stuff will be waiting for you at the vending machine.

    P.S. I’m keeping the gravity gun!

  10. Citzen_7 says:

    Ouch, Gordon. Tough luck.

  11. Barney Calhoun says:

    @Gordon Freeman: Unlucky Gordon. Meet me after work, I’ll buy you a beer. By the way, do you mind if I go out with Alyx?

  12. Citizen_male_02 says:

    Sometimes…I dream about cheeeeeese.

  13. Clark Kent says:

    Still beats flying through rings. Not that I would know any hero who would…I mean if I had superpowers, I wouldn’t waste my time doing that crap!

  14. note from REAL Gordon says:

    Imposter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. Lone Wanderer says:

    Atleast he learns useful things at the drop of a hat. I just put a grenade in someone’s pocket, and suddenly calculus makes a whole lot more sense to me. When am I ever gonna use that when fighting, say, Super Mutants? Some people have all the luck.

  16. We have observed a similar phenomenon affecting both this unit and rest of Shepard Commander’s squad. Our AI hacking capabilities only recently became fully functional after our recruitment by Shepard Commander. Will investigate further.

    Addendum: After investigation, it is apparent this is not isolated to this unit alone. All squad members have had a 30.34% skill increase while serving under Shepard. Continuing census of crew members.

  17. Rebel #325893201 says:

    Reload Dr. Freeman!

  18. Serious Sam says:

    Man, it must suck to be you guys. I just lose my weapons when I go through a teleporter, or gate, or something that can’t handle them.

    Plenty of them lying around though, I’m always back to a full load of gear pretty quick.

  19. K. Croc says:

    As an unstoppable man-gator I’m confidant that the Batman will never learn any tricks to defeat my superior strength. Hopefully he also won’t remember to look in that utility belt of his for gas pellets.

  20. Samus Aran says:

    I go through a similar process every time I decide to go on an adventure.

    I’m just going around, learning how to do a bunch of new abilities that are awesome, then BAM, something happens and I lose all my abilities. Then as I wander around the various planets devoid of intelligent life for millions of years, I happen to find all the parts I’m missing, along with some upgrades.

    I’m not sure how they get there, or why the are there, but I’m not going to complain. Granted I do think it’s inconvenient that I lose them in the first place.

  21. It must suck to be a superhero, always losing all your abilities at the start of an adventure. I feel sooo sorry for you. Do you know how many goddamn boomerangs I’ve found in this goddamn place?

  22. Holy acrobatic amnesia Batman! Surely you are suffering from a mental condition, you’ve known how to perform those moves for the longest time!

  23. Some people have it easy. In-between major adventures I have had my memories literally ripped from me, temporarily side-incarnated (a bit like reincarnation only you get split into two people and in my case part of me became me again too early and IT’S TERRIBLY COMPLICATED) into a Nobody, the history of my rogue’s gallery radically revised, and how I learn things completely changed. And then there’s what happened to Roxas who is sort-of also me but IT’S TERRIBLY COMPLICATED.

    At the end of my last big adventure, all of my friends and I finally made it home safe. I just hope it lasts…

  24. Super Hero Amnesia Medicare says:

    Sorry Mr. Freeman we can only provide medical and psychological help.

  25. At least, he remembers who he is. I know a guy… wait, he’s just woken up. What is he going to be like this time?

  26. Mega Man says:

    You think that’s bad? Dr. Wily breaks out of jail and releases a new army every couple weeks or so, yet by the time he does so, ALL of the weapons I downloaded last time, ALL of the upgrades for myself AND Rush, ALL the extra E-Tanks and 1-UPs and everything? Gone. I ask Dr. Light and he just gives a different excuse each time. “Well, we backed them all up on to a flash drive, which I must have misplaced somewhere.” “I had to delete that stuff to make room for more cute robot kitten pictures.” “I cleaned those old files out because honestly, what were the chances of Dr. Wily breaking out again?”

    Stupid old fart…

  27. Monster Hunter Tri Hunter says:

    Oh so you just suddenly rememberd how to hurt your foes. Lucky you all I got when I was face to face with a dinosaur three times my size with a weapon twice my size was a, If I swing at this thing it’ll hurt it. No fancy combo tips or weakness spots just hit it hard and a lot.

  28. I do not have that problem. I have big gun. Big gun shoots at little people. Little people die. Because they are babies.

    I do keep finding hats…

  29. Do you know what really annoys me? When he takes away all your weapons when you know how to use them, and the idiot won’t give them back until you conplete his stupid, petty tasks. I would have learned my lesson just as well if he had given me all my weapons the backstabbing fiend!

  30. Desmond Miles says:

    ^ Sorry about that, phased out for a while.

  31. Note from gordon says:

    It’s not that I forget how to fight but my stuff disapeared after a train crash!

  32. It’s also strange, that if were are getting out of the Rescue cabinet, we still have guns. Also, Holy SHIT, Gordon Freeman talked!

  33. what about me? I’ve got to find the bloody friggin Master Sword in every bloody friggin game as it if were some sort of awesomesauce surprise of the year. Yes, I know people around the net have said my other selves are from different timelines but let me tell you one thing.. IT’S ALWAYS ME! I would tell you, you know, in game, but those damn Japanese execs put spome sorta magic trick on my mouth so I can only scream AH HA RAAH..And I’ve got a goddamn locker, too, you know…so I can stick that sword in there and use it the next adventure insteada pretending to go out and find it…jesus..

  34. Francis says:

    I hate the master sword

  35. Shut up Francis

  36. Cole MacGrath says:

    Damn. Sure hope this doesn’t happen to me when I face off against The Beast. I mean, I’m already gonna have to get a makeover for my sequel, that would really suck if I forgot how to utilize electricity in all of the different ways I know now.

  37. Alex Mercer says:

    Tell me about it, Cole. Right now, I am a superhuman murder machine, yet if there is a sequel, I’m bound to lose all of my powers.
    If they actually bring me back.

  38. Frank West says:

    At least you GET a sequel. I’m turning into a zombie. RAWR.

  39. I have it the worst! I’ve gone through puberty at least a dozen times now!

  40. Man, must be tough to be you guys.
    I wonder how many links will come out and complain. There’s the original link, the ocarina link, the wind waker link…

  41. Combine #2324762B says:

    I always say to my squad; beating people up needs practice. If you fall behind on your beating quota, you’ll definitely get rusty.

  42. @Kirby: There’s only one Link. Me. They claim it’s a different incarnation, but it’s always me. Every time. And each time, they just give me a makeover.

    That time I went sailing around the world and hung out with a pirate? They covered me in face make-up and drew on me with eyeliner. That time I got lost at sea and had to wake up a giant blowfish? They painted me black and white… and then later, threw a bunch of colored paint ON TOP of it. Those times I keep getting split in four different people? I was all four. We used a lot of blue/greenscreen shots (depending on which color clothes I had to wear).

    And as for the age thing… you know how in that one adventure I had to keep going back in forth in age using the Master Sword… that actually worked. I’m permanently switching between 8-ish and 21-ish. And every time I’m in a new adventure, chances are I have to go all the way back to that one temple and shove the sword back into it just so that I’m the right height.

    It’s screwing up my body’s natural development so much, that at time I can be the most incredibly horny 8-ish year old you’ve ever seen, and at others, I can be utterly repulsed by girls when I’m in my physical peak. 2000-2004 was an incredibly stressful time, let me tell you. Constantly switching back and forth… ugh.

    At least they give me a couple of months to get used to things in between adventures now. I switched back to my mature body a couple of months ago, but now they’ve told me that they want to REDO that one where I’m constantly switching back and forth! They’re actually trying to kill me, I swear.

  43. lol

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