Local

Hostages Rescued By Courageous Racist

Montescaglioso, Italy — After a daring daylight raid on a small town in the Matera Province of Italy, four employees of DSB Computer Solutions expressed joy and relief for having been freed from the clutches of their terrorist captors, as well as admitting a great deal of discomfort about the nature of one of their rescuers, an outspoken racist.

“I mean, he was amazing,” said one hostage after the ordeal. “He took out two terrorists right in front of me like they were nothing. His skill, his reflexes, his bravery under fire… it was as breathtaking as his intense hatred for black people.”

“He threw one grenade but dropped, like, twenty N-Bombs,” he added.

According to the four rescued hostages, they were abducted from their place of work moments earlier and were held in small rooms in the Italian town, two upstairs, two downstairs. Frozen with fear, they awaited rescue from their eight terrorist captors who never issued demands or requests for payment. Counter-terrorists moved in with an aggressive plan to free the hostages using deadly force, hoping to complete their mission in under five minutes. Gunfire erupted almost immediately, racial slurs shortly after.

“We heard a lot of shooting,” another hostage said. “Automatic weapons fire from all over the town. And a lot of yelling. Curses, offensive slurs against minorities, invitations to copulate with one’s own mother. All the shooting was scary, sure, but the language was just revolting.”

“I don’t want to single him out, seeing as how he saved my life. But while the other counter-terrorists were saying things like “Go go go!” and “Enemy spotted!”, this guy was just N-this and N-that, and saying ‘fag’ every third word. Just spewing hate-speech, start-to-finish.”

Seven of the eight counter-terrorists were eventually killed, leaving just a single soldier to deal with the remaining four terrorists. That soldier, known only as “GoblinCock69,” quickly and efficiently took out three of the terrorists before finding the terrified, somewhat uncomfortable hostages and leading them into the courtyard.

“Yeah, I was happy to see him,” one hostage said. “Then I realized he was the one doing all the name-calling. I wanted to get out of there, and follow him to the rescue zone, but I have to admit, after hearing what he said about blacks and homosexuals, I was tempted to take my chances with the terrorists.”

“The guy is no fan of the Jews, either,” he added.

As the hostages were led to safety, the final terrorist was killed, shot twice in the head as GoblinCock69 profanely implied he was gay, developmentally disabled, and of Mexican ancestry, all in the same sentence.

“It’s a weird situation, definitely,” said another freed hostage. “I mean, I owe him my life. Absolutely. Yet, I’m really reluctant to thank him because he’s clearly an ignorant, hate-filled jerk. He’s a hero, but if I’m ever taken hostage again, which I admit is quite likely, I really hope he doesn’t show up to rescue me.”

When questioned about his profane language and hate-speech, GoblinCock69 issued a curt invitation to perform fellatio on him. Then he promptly left town.

Comments

  1. This is literally every game of Counter-strike ever.

  2. Lack_26 (A representive of CT Solutions) says:

    I think this might have something to do with a continuing problem the Counter Terrorist application form. One set of questions was;

    Rate how much you like the following ethnic and social groupings. [1 being 'hate' and 5 being 'love', or Other (Please explain why)].

    Unfortunately due to a computer error only candidates who answered negatively have been hired, instead of hiring the most intelligent and tolerant applicants.

    (The most common scores for this set of questions were either 1 or ‘Other’. We certainly regret the inclusion of an ‘Other (please explain why)’ option. Several of our test markers have committed suicide, citing such reasons as ‘losing all faith in humanity’ as the cause.)

    -CT Solutions.

  3. CT Solutions’ public relations department might not be able to acknowledge it, but hiring racists is simply a matter of pragmatism. Multiple scientific studies have demonstrated a clear correlation between a subject’s racism and their performance on counter-terrorism exercises. Subjects who made obscene or hateful comments at a rate of at least once a minute were four times as likely to be capable of seeing through walls and instantly aiming at the center of a target’s head.

  4. Lack_26 (A representive of CT Solutions) says:

    CT Solutions’ public relations department would like to make it perfectly clear that the deliberate hiring of racists, no matter how highly they perform as CT operatives (and they perform very highly), is not a deliberate policy and is down to a genuine computer error. That just happens to have persisted for… erm,… 11 years… honest.

    Anyone saying otherwise will receive a Cease & Desist from our legal department.

    -CT Solutions, Public Image Director.

  5. Masterofpirates says:

    The reporter failed to mention the terrorist’s unfortunate habit of spraypainting the beautiful Italian marketplace with images of hairy, middle aged men in sexual poses, which the racist gentleman may have taken offense towards.

  6. Of course, this is coming from CT Solutions, one of the few companies to ignore age restrictions. I had, years ago, hired them as bodyguards (which they stopped doing for obvious reasons), only to find that they all sounded like eight year olds with water guns. Two minutes later, I was bleeding out on the floor: apparently they were more interested in raping the threat and screaming “TEABAG LAWL!” than protecting me. I never worked with them again.

  7. Lawlz.

  8. Steve Chesterfield says:

    Let us hope this “GoblinCock69″ never meets a homosexual black hostage of Jewish ancestry.

  9. Robin Cloverstead says:

    “Let us hope this GoblinCock69? never meets a homosexual black hostage of Jewish ancestry.”

    With the persistent bigotry of the majority of the CT personnel, along with the statistics of the advanced educated group of people usually taken hostage by these extremist groups, the likelihood of that would be close to 0%.

    In the event that does happen, how would we know if there was such a hostage, as they could be not rescued, or “caught” in the crossfire of battle?

  10. Margaret Atkins says:

    WTF? This article is total bull. I dont know why so many people are complning. These men are putting thir liveson the line to protect our country. So what if they say bad words? When will these leftys stop h8ing America?

  11. diehardbard_23 says:

    Ha ha Margeret, go back to cuddling ur guns n flags. bury ur head n hide the truth we all kno that its n illegal war n a govenmnent conspiracy when will u open ur eyes.this war is a phony one anyway.the govenemnt is run by zionist aliens who blew up the cidatel with controlled demolitions and blamed it n a sientists.The new world order jus want oil . When will u learn the truth???

    ….THETRUTH WILL SET U FREE…..

  12. After working with CT solutions for over a year, I can tell you that article is not just an isolated incident. In fact that is the reason why I left the company and enjoyed the freedom fighters’ efforts to repel those racist thugs, they were not much better sadly.

  13. GoblinCock69 says:

    As a CT operative, I take offense at this, our combat doctrine states that being hostile keeps the adrenaline flowing, therefor increasing our combat potential.

    In fact we are very polite, mature adults who take our job seriously.

    Fags.

  14. As a former CT operative who specialized in combating zombies in quasi-urban arenas, I can attest to the stress that operatives undergo. Even so, I find this behavior inexcusable and have written a strongly worded letter to CT Solutions, chastising them for allowing this kind of public relations nightmare to occur.

  15. The Onion meets onlines FPSes. Brilliant!

  16. wE aRe eVeRyWhErE fIgHtINg for OUR fReEdOm. TWO mOrE sCiEnTiSTs aRe bEiNg hElD in the ALASKA CITY OFFICE COMPLEX.

    WE WANT TWO MILLION DOLLARS. NO M4s, OUR ONLY WEAKNESS.

  17. 1337bang_G says:

    I am black and gay.

  18. 1337bang_G says:

    Ma Broda from da oda moda – we are blaAKCKKKKK
    wazzzzzzthaaaaaaaappppppppppppp

  19. duncanmoore says:

    AND ANOTHER THING ALSO MY GRANDAD IS JEWISH HE WAS KILLED BY THE NAZIS IN VIETNAM I WANT COMPENSATION BECAUSE YOU CAUSED ME MENTAL ANGUISH BY REMINDING ME OF HIM

  20. Does anyone really believe this type of language or feeling toward bad guys is anything new ? ?
    All one needs to do is go back to the late 1960′s and check out some of the things that took place during the Univ. of Calif., Berkeley campus riots, plus the anti Draft riot at the Oakland, Calif. Draft center, in addition to the many other demonstrations and riots that took place through out the country during that period of time.
    Do you think the Police agencies and National Guard handled things with kid
    gloves and called the people they were opposing flowery names ?
    It’s called addreneline and it pumps out of your ears when under combative stress. HERE’S TO THE RESCUING HEROS !

  21. goblincock69 says:

    you are magots

  22. It’s a JOKE folks, APRIL FOOLS!

    No way it this story real, look at the “saviors” “name”, my wife got a good laugh out of it.

  23. I want to believe these comments are real. So much.

  24. Awkwardfrog says:

    I was wondering, CT Solutions, Why you hire Seven year olds as Counter-Terrorists?

  25. Just what exactly do you believe is the easiest weblog system to use for an individual with a rather limited knowledge of technologies?

  26. Minute Man says:

    Good Gravy! This poor lad must have taken a bad dose of Energy X, and has therefore become hopelessly befuddled! Surely only Communist Brainwashing or the Mental Control of some Supervillian would let one of our courageous Lads in the red, White, and Blue say such things! No, I am sure that once Mentor and I track down this poor miscreant, he shall get straightened out as quickly as Mentor can say “Moons of Ragnor!”

    After all, eh shouldn;t be hard to spot! A Noble American Lad who is half goblin, half rooster! Stars and Bars, what that energy X can do to a person!

  27. CTSolutions says:

    We at CT solutions wish to clarify a misconception. Our agents are seldom to never seven years old.

    Our agents do, occasionally, make use of voice modulators, and few possess emotional maturity beyond that of a seven year old, but none of them are, in fact, seven years of age.

  28. Sam Fisher says:

    This man is a disgrace to covert operators all across the globe. As someone who makes his living off of killing terrorists in the hundreds, I can say that there is no stress that can’t be better handled with a cool head, and a calm demeanor. And as some who is an expert at killing, I can say that there is no stress in killing your enemy. This man is obviously either an amature, or he is a mental case who has little to none proper counter-terrorist/covert ops. training. He should join the Army corp and stay there.

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  32. random CT says:

    not that guy i went to high school with him. he’s not intolerent he’s just a jerk.

  33. Lone Wanderer says:

    Must’ve maxed out his Endurance and Agility and left nothing to his Charisma back when he was a baby.

  34. When reading this post it reminded me of something I read the other day in a Playstation Mag, would there be any chance I could have the authors email address, Amazing blog thanks for the infomation.

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