No Sign Of Caucasian Assassin At Party, Chilean Guards Report

Delgado Vineyards, Chile — Three members of an all-Chilean bodyguard detail tasked with protecting Don Fernando Delgado and his son, Manuel, have reported seeing no sign of a deadly Caucasian assassin who may be attempting to infiltrate their ranks.

The guards patrolling a party at Don Delgado’s vineyard remained vigilant and alert, on the off-chance a highly trained killer should attempt an assassination of the drug kingpin and his son. Scanning the party guests and holding their shotguns at the ready, they remained wary but reported seeing no signs of an interloper thus far.

Chilean-born bodyguard Carlos Javier Acevado, age 32, wiped sweat from his dark-skinned face as he considered the situation. “We’re haven’t seen anything suspicious yet,” Acevado said in Spanish. “Well, except for a neatly folded black suit on the ground and a puddle of blood by the cliffs.”

“Initially, that seemed suspicious,” he continued, “but after a couple minutes I decided it was nothing to worry about. Anybody could have dropped a suit and some blood. It doesn’t mean there’s an assassin at the party.”

“I found a briefcase with a sniper rifle in it near the front gate, “Guillermo Miguel Salazar, also a native of Chile, explained. “It seemed odd, but not terribly alarming. If anything really suspicious happens, though, we’ll be ready.”

A third member of the guard detail refused give his name or to offer a statement. Instead, the bald, pale-skinned Chilean with a bar-code tattooed across the back of his head scowled silently, slowly edging behind the other two guards, with one hand held conspicuously behind his back.

“We’re well-trained,” said Acevado. “I don’t think we could be easily infiltrated. We’ve all known each other for years.” He waved at Salazar and the glaring, white-skinned guard, who was now crouching silently behind them, his eyes darting around the courtyard.

“We know what all guards wear: camo vest, short-sleeved shirt, and hat. As long as someone is wearing those items of clothing, we know they’re one of us. It’s a simple, fool-proof identification system.”

“Sorry, that’s all I can tell you,” Acevado continued. “I have to go. I think I heard a coin bouncing around somewhere over there, so I need to go stare at it for a few moments.”

“A dropped coin could be the sign of something sinister,” he added. “As a guard, you can’t be too careful.”


  1. Tobias Rieper says:

    I just wanted to use the guard’s bathroom. It has a much higher standard than the typical guest stalls they use here.

  2. Balkish says:

    At least he isn’t wearing the raven suit that we have in storage for Mardi Gras.

    But he’d still be one of us, even under all those feathers.

  3. I’m not sure Caucasian really describes 47.
    He’s 1/5 German, 1/5 Chinese, 1/5 Columbian, 1/5 Austrian, and 1/5 Kazakh.
    I don’t know what bubble he’d fill out in the census. Probably “other,” and then write in “genetically engineered clone.”

  4. Revolver Ocelot says:

    Be sure to keep an eye out for cardboard boxes, guards. Usually they’re nothing to worry about – but sometimes, usually if it’s moving, there’s someone inside trying to sneak around.

  5. Statement: Truly, no pursuit, Droid or meatbag, is as beautiful as those involving assassination protocols. Assassinate on, bald meatbag! Be a symbol for all assassins everywhere throughout the Galaxy!

  6. Hmm. There’s something mighty suspicious about this Carlos character.

  7. Quicksilver_502 says:

    i hear that they train assassins in the secret 7 arts of undresssing and redressing so fast that the clothing looks like it simply apears on them!!

  8. Carlos Javier Acevad says:

    I am highly offended that you refer to my employer as a ‘drug kingpin’ in our interview. Mr. Delgado and his son are honest businessman, making the finest wines in South America!

    The fact that are 20 of us, armed guards who all look alike, patrolling the mansion just goes to show how dedicated the Delgado family is to wine trade. We haven’t even told you about the secret underground lab hidden behind the wine cellar in which several scientists are dedicated at work to keep the products as pure as possible!

  9. Julio Ramirez Indigo says:

    Si, definitely no trace of a trained killer roaming about whatsoever!

    I keep hearing some these weird sounds though. It is like a mix of orchestral and electronic music with some ominous latin chanting from a male and female choir. I tried to locate the source of the audio but I just kept stumbling on my colleague Estevez. Who looked rather pale. And kept staring at me for minutes. Uninterrupted.

    Must have been the wind…

  10. I did not know that amateurs infiltrating amateur targets were considered “assassins”.

  11. Splinter Cell AI enemy says:

    Well, I must say, we’ve been losing a LOT of patrolling guards to falls lately. Looking over the tapes, we notice that first a single guard will “hear” something, then walk to the edge to investigate. Then as they approach, BAM. Fall to their death. Despite the screams in agony, most of the other guards don’t seem to notice it.

    Besides that, we’ve been recently trying to reinforce knowledge of electronics in our new guards. We’ve lost countless ones to people who are distracted by flashing lights. It’s a shame, really.

  12. Genome Soldier says:

    What was that noise? Whose footprints are these?

  13. Soldier says:

    Red spy is in the base? We need to protect the briefcase!

  14. James Earl Cash says:

    I grew up in a bad neighborhood, and let me tell ya it ain’t easy sneaking around and slipping plastic bags over people’s heads. Especially when I keep losing sight for a few seconds for some fizzy camera screen whenever I do it. I think the worst part is that some guy starts yelling in my ear.

  15. Bob Page says:

    Tell me about it. I spend billions developing incredibly advanced cyborg guards and their forensic subroutines are just terrible. As long as this Denton asshole doesn’t leave any dead bodies around when he’s attacking one of my labs, everything’s right as rain. Pools of blood? Scattered weapons? Piles of body parts? No problem. My R&D people put rocket launchers and machine guns inside these guards’ arms, but didn’t think to put in a goddamn radio in their heads so they could stay in contact? Denton has a radio. That’s probably why my troops can never get him. The best I can do is hijack the signal and insult him.

  16. Agent of H.A.R.M. says:

    What was that? I thought I saw… oooh, I really must stop ingesting all these hallucinogenics…

  17. Clearly they were outclased.

  18. Engineer says:


  19. Batman? Can you hear me? Show yourself!

  20. Imperial Guard says:

    These men seem to be almost as well-trained as the Imperial Guard!

    Note the almost.

  21. JC Denton says:

    Looks like a state of the art body is worthless with last century’s philosophjical systems, Page.

    What a shame.

  22. Razputin, Aspiring Psychonaught says:

    I am also a Chilean Guard.

  23. Bob Page says:

    Jump into the fan, JC! You can make it!

  24. JC Denton says:

    I did.

  25. Enough talk about who may or may not be drawing a bead on us right now, there is probably nothing to worry about. More importantly, who is going to the bear pits tomorrow night?

  26. Lone Wonderer says:

    I understand the guards viewpoint of finding a rifle outside the gate. If there was an assasin why would he just drop his rifle? Espacially at the front gate. It makes no sense. Besides a real assasin would be carrying a kitchen knife or tire iron walking around semi-transparent and croutching.

  27. Commander Shephard says:

    Assassin? I have one on my ship but we never seem to do any of this sneaking stuff, you’d think with all that specialised taken we’d split up
    and complete objectives, but all we do is run forward blowing shit up.

    Not a bad thing. Now, I have to go throw a puppy off a cliff.

  28. Garrett says:

    Amateurs, the lot of you.

  29. Agent .A. says:

    I myself know the particular assasin who is going to assasinate the 2 dudes in the vinyards……..I’ve said to much.

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  31. Thane Krios says:

    I’m not the one running around with a miniature nuclear bomb launcher on my back, Shepard. I mean, seriously, as if the shotgun and flamethrower weren’t powerful enough… but a nuclear bomb? REALLY? You’re not just the polar opposite of stealth, you draw so much attention that even the Reapers can hear you from extra-Galactic space!

  32. Francis says:

    I hate assassins.

  33. Shut up, Francis.

    Goddamn, I hate Francis.

  34. In Disguise says:


  35. JC Denton says:

    What a shame.

  36. Sgt.Foley says:

    Ill show you folks who is the assassin around here.

    RAMIREZ! Be an assassin and use this rusty spoon to kill Makarov!

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