Local

Test Subject Thinks Portal Gun Makes Her Ass Look Big

Enrichment Center, Aperture Science Laboratories — A female test subject, freshly awakened from a relaxation vault in a secret underground laboratory, has begun to wonder if the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device she is testing makes her ass look big.

The experimental device can manufacture two linked portals through which light and matter can pass, and after placing parallel portals on walls a few feet apart, the test subject, named Chell, has discovered she can peer through one portal and view her own backside, which, she thinks, looks big.

“Does my ass look big in this portal?” she wondered aloud. “Oh, it looks terrible. Terrible. This orange jumpsuit is all bunchy and bulky, I might as well be wearing a burlap sack.”

“My butt looks even bigger down there,” she said, referring to one of the versions of herself that were duplicated over and over into infinity through the portals. “I think each portal adds ten pounds.”

“These heels aren’t helping either,” she noted, referring to the metal impact-negating prostheses attached to her calves.

Chell continued to view herself through the portal, and along with her concerns regarding the appearance of her ass, she also considered the poor state of her hairdo and complexion after spending an unspecified amount of time in stasis.

“My hair looks awful,” she stated after repositioning the two portals perpendicularly in a corner and stepping close so she could view her profile.”Total bed-head. Oh, my skin, too. My pores are totally clogged. I hope one of these portals opens into a spa.”

Doug Rattmann, a previous Aperture Science test subject now living in seclusion in maintenance areas and crawlspaces of the facility, remained hidden from the concerned, slightly insecure woman.

“I don’t really want to talk to her when she’s in this kind of mood,” he whispered from the section of ductwork he was crouching in. “Anyway, her butt looks fine. Totally great. She totally pulls off that jumpsuit look.”

“Why is she so worried?” he added. “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Chell, a few chambers away, took one last look at her own butt before shrugging, sighing, and continuing through the facility.

“Either way,” she said, “When I’m done here, I’d better skip the cake.”

Story idea by Observer contributor Michael Fiegel.

Comments

  1. Chell, sweetie, what are you talking about? You look smoking, girl! Nobody else is able to pull off that inmate chic like you do. Trust me. I’m your best friend! Would I lie to you?

  2. Brilliant. ;)

  3. Aperture Science would like to remind all test subjects that due to the difficulty in conserving the energy-mass balance during inter-portal transfer, weight gain may reszzzzzzzzttztztz YOU LOOK LOVELY TODAY, *SUBJECT NAME HERE*. HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

  4. Aperture Science Portable Turret says:

    Come closer, friend. I cannot tell with you all the way over there behind that wall.

  5. Wheatley says:

    I know just what this girl needs! A complete redesign! Maybe switch to a different color. I have heard that blue takes off a few pounds. As for the hair, I don’t think they allow scissors in the facility (not after last time) so a haircut is out of the question. Perhaps she could wear a hat of some sorts. Im sure she would be the most attractive human left in the facility.

  6. Tell this “Chell” that if any harm comes to her, I will gladly provide legal services to her, as soon as I return from my safety evaluation of the Black Mesa Research Facility.

    - Dr. Alan Green, Attorney at Law

  7. Alyx Vance says:

    You need to get Gordon to show you his Zero Point Energy Field Manipulator.

  8. Way, WAY too much information, Alyx!

  9. Eli Vance says:

    Of course you would think that honey. I’ve wanted Gordon to use that for years!

    Oh wait, aren’t I supposed to be dead somewhere in an epic cliff hanger ending? Gotta go!

  10. Well you know what they say – the portal adds ten pounds.

  11. shit aliens zombies dead people all everywhere can’t type for long have to keep moving tell my receptionist to cancel all meetings sorry chell

  12. Adrian Shepard says:

    Some people have all the luck. I’ve been trapped in a timeless void for I don’t know how long. I like to trim my facial hair when it gets too long, y’know. Us devil dogs gotta look our best and classiest when kicking trouble in it’s ass.

  13. I hear diving suits are very slimming.

  14. All you tiny baby women and your tiny baby bodies. I can hardly fit through portal! Engie has to make big teleport for big man like me, but stupid, stupid teammate scout keep stealing it!

  15. You could go on a jog with me, they’re very refreshin’ and slim down yo’ glutes.
    Hell, my glutes are so trimmed by my mornin’, aftanoon, and evenin’ runs that every time setup rolls ’round, I slap ‘em endlessly.

  16. Scout I keep telling you! Doctor tell me not to run so much because of medical condition! I must eat more sandvich and dahlokahs to keep energy up! It not help that you, yes YOU, keep stealing sandvich!

  17. Demoman says:

    Your ass’ ass and on the grass man…

  18. At least you don’t have to fight through tons of barbarians just for a key that only fits into a small part of some witch doctor teleport. I’ve also fought a little man that drives around in a jeep, a giant T-rex, and a giant praying mantis.

  19. Tell ya what, snipin’s a good job mate – challenging work, outta doors AND I’ll guarantee you’ll not go ‘ungry.

    ‘cos at the end of the day, as long as there’s two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead.

    Of course there is the downside of extreme urination problems – handy hint, keep as many empty jars with you as possible, steal a few empty bonk cans if you run out, up to you if you tell scout what’s in ‘em.

  20. Gordon Freeman says:

  21. Citizen_male_02 says:

    You smell that? It’s freedom.

  22. Mordin Solus says:

    Point to point teleportation increases fat reserves on the buttocks? Fascinating. Could possibly nullify with injections of Dimalizene. No, no, no, causes cysts in humans. Must continue observations…

  23. A. Stalker says:

    Man, you should totally check out the Combine. They’ll let you lose 90 pounds, and hey! You can shoot lasers our of your eyes after your surgery is done!

    A shame Frohman didn’t try it out. He could’ve stood to lose a few hands, the fattie.

  24. John Marston says:

    Miss Chell, you’re looking your usual lovely self today – were I able to take time off from my huntin’ and my shootin’ and my lootin’ I’d sure love to spend some time with you around the Aperture Science Facility.

    Can my horse fit through those portals of yours?

  25. Nigel West Dickens says:

    For only 10 US dollars, I could sell you an elixir that would slim your figure!

  26. Combine Advisor says:

    I-WOULD-HAVE-TO-AGREE-WITH-CHELL. WHEN-I-AM-TESTING-THE-PORTAL-TECHNOLOGY-ON-OUR-CAPTURED-VESSEL-THE-BOREALIS-I-CANNOT-HELP-BUT-NOTICE-THAT-I-HAVE-GAINED-EXTRANEOUS-MASS-DURING-MY-STAY-ON-EARTH. I-HOPE-THIS-DOES-NOT-HINDER-ME-WHEN-I-FIGHT-THE-FREEMAN. UH-OH-I-HAVE-SAID-TOO-MUCH-BEFORE-EPISODE-3-IS-OUT-LORD-GABE-WILL-BE-ANGRY.

  27. Bling1907 says:

    Skip the cake girl..(it’s a lie anyway)

  28. drattman says:

    help me

  29. Francis says:

    I hate portals and cake.

  30. Need a dispenser here!

  31. Francis says:

    I hate dispensers

  32. Francis, is there anything you don’t hate?

  33. PEELS HERE.

  34. Francis says:


    I don’t hate vests.

  35. Chell, remeber when we were walking through the test chamber and glados said we were fat? That wasn’t a lie.

  36. Excellent Site! I was wondering if I could quote a portion of your website and use a few items for a term paper. Please let me know through email if that would be fine. Thanks

  37. Domasi "Tommy" Tawodi says:

    You think you have it bad with portals and asses? At least you don’t have to climb through a giant sphincter to get to your portals!

  38. I TOLD her not to look into the Operational End of the Device…

  39. Just wanted to say aweseome theme and great post.I like how you wright. Ever thought about freelance writing?

  40. Man, what happened to this site? Why did it die down? It was (and is) awesome!