Unlike Horses, New "Motorized Wagon" Essentially Theft-Proof

Blackwater, West Elizabeth — As a newfangled mechanical contraption known as a “motorized wagon” arrived in Blackwater today, local officials heralded a new age wherein the wanton theft of personal conveyances would finally be at an end.

Unlike horses, which can simply be climbed upon and spurred away by dastardly thieves, the motorized wagon is a complex mechanical wonder, featuring several pedals and levers, a turning-wheel, and complicated ignition device for its internal combustion engine, meaning a potential thief would have long minutes, or even hours of work in order to make off with the motorized contraption.

“It’s not as if some ruffian or ne’er-do-well could simply elbow through a wind-screen, clamber inside the motor wagon, connect a few lengths of wire, and accelerate off with a conveyance that he did not possess the deed to,” says Federal Bureau agent and horseless-carriage enthusiast Archer Fordham.

“Even if some miscreant did manage to perform the complicated steps in order to ignite the auto-engine,” Fordham continues, “and took the time to affix his driving goggles, steering gloves, and travel-smock, he would have to steer the motorized wagon slowly and carefully to prevent damaging it. These are incredibly rare and expensive machines, and not even a callous thief would risk colliding with telegraph poles, postal boxes, or water troughs as he made his get-away.”

Nearly theft-proof, these gasoline-powered mechanical wagons could be safely left outside saloons and brothels while the owner conducted his business inside.

“Even if the owner had to climb the steps of some grand, three-story, sky-scraping courthouse or spend time shopping for tonics and cure-alls in his city’s general store, his personal conveyance would be perfectly safe from theft upon his return,” Fordham says.

“And in the unlikely event an illicit wagon operator might speed away with the power of more than one horse, the thief would find himself confined to cobblestone roads and well-worn dirt paths, making him quite easy to track down, arrest, and hang.”

There are other benefits to replacing horses with motorized carriages. The newfangled auto-wagons do not litter the street with messy excrement as horses do, instead expelling only beautiful dark clouds of harmless diesel fumes.

“I picture a futuristic world where horses have been entirely replaced with these wonderful, gleaming motor-wagons,” Fordham says. “I see a time when you might witness four, perhaps even five motorized carriages in each city. And theft of such personal transportation contraptions would be non-existent.”

“Mark my words,” he added. “Motorized wagons are the best invention since torn bread.”


  1. $360, but worth every penny! I laughed hard.

  2. Jeremiah says:

    I’d like to see one of these new-fangled “Automobiles” pull a cart.

  3. finalfrog says:

    While this thrilling contraption sounds like the final solution in preventing horse theft, I am concerned about the some of the limitations it may have as opposed to saddle-back transport.

    Will it still be capable of trampling the smelly lower classes when they get in my way? Can I drag my enemies behind it until their skin has been flayed and their bones stripped clean by the desert sands of American frontier? Can I purse my nemesis through the filthy alleyways of that Chinese immigrant worker district they have over in the States while firing my revolver with wild inaccuracy and injuring huge numbers of civilians? Can it break through a roadblock of constables and their billy clubs?

    These are the things which are most important in transportation after all.

  4. Lacken Von Schernhurst the XXVI says:

    Ich muss say, ich kann nicht vork out how you feed these Automobiles vonce they become hungry und vill nicht move. Ich habe tried placing das ‘gasoline’ in der feeding trough that ich use to feed meine horses, but it nicht drink das gasoline. How are wir meant to kontinue to use it, I habe auch tried giving it the hay, but it still nicht eaten it.

    – Disgruntled Deutsch Automobile kustomer.

  5. Pah, unless these newfangled auto-mobiles learn to transform into an animate friendand co-worker who travels with me – as much amigo as automobile – they will be naught but fripperies.

    Should they learn to do this, however, they will immediately become the best things ever and I will dedicate my life to collecting them and models of them.

  6. Miss Vera Hamilton says:

    From a purely aesthetic standpoint, I am all in favor of the motorized wagons. The joy of being driven behind the power of ten sturdy horses, all while sitting comfortably at your ease next to a gentlemen of obvious means, is enough to make any woman weak at the knees. Luckily, not only does the motorized wagon have plenty of space for incidentals and accouterments, but there is enough room to recline comfortably, even with two people! Try doing that on the back of a horse.

  7. Sir Gibblesby the Third, Esquire says:

    Harumph! Good sir Schernhurst, have you tried perhaps both the hay and this gas-o-line at the same time? Perhaps this newfangled mechanical horse is a purebreed stallion of a creature with excruciatingly fine taste in food.

  8. Great Great Great Grandfather of GTA Character says:

    Stealing horses ain’t no fun no more. Ahm gunna learn me how ta steal me one ah these and pass it down through tha family.

  9. THAT’S what Rapture needs! A method of transportation that isn’t:

    1) Restricted to the genetic code of a particular family.

    2) A one-way monorail that won’t let you re-visit parts of the city you’ve been to.

    3) Your poor, tired feet.

    You can buy a teleportation superpower from a vending machine but no horses and no cars. No wonder the city descended into chaos. Maybe the Spider Splicers have the right idea…

  10. Commander Shephard says:

    At least these have windscreens, ever tried to steal a Citadel speeder? Literally all you do is jump in, it’s free, you drive it yourself. It’s just asking to be stolen.

    Also, what’s a horse?

  11. Saw one of those in Dodge City the other week. Some drunk was talking about them being used for RACING, of all the stupid notions. They’ll never catch on – the railroads will alwys be fas- INJUNS! Motherfuckers on the bridge again!

  12. Ed the horse says:

    Oh what the hell! This machine thinks it can be better than me? I challenge this contraption to a duel! First one to the saloon then back to the general store is the winner! Also you say it would “not produce messy excrement as horses do.” You try running around everywhere with some guy on your back while full of oats. They go right through you!

  13. Quicksilver_502 says:

    these heathen devices will surely be the death of us! they should all be burned. if the good Lord wanted us to move at the ungodly speed of fifteen miles per hour he would have given us engines. horses are no better, fo if the Lord wanted us to travel by galloping he would have made us centaurs! the horses should be burned as well!

  14. John Marston says:

    The times sure are changin’, aren’t they?

    But this new horseless carriage might be better than these temperamental horses this county’s got…I mean back when I’d be robbing trains and robbing babies of candy, the horses never threw me off after just galloping a little while with them!

    Though I heard you can’t skin an automobile and sell it to some slightly revolted general store owner…so maybe I’ll be a little reticent on acquiring one of them until I get back to Blackwater.

  15. Lone wanderer says:

    I’ve seen somethings that look a lot like these mechanisms that this article speaks of but they don’t exactly more or have wires at all!
    Also this horse thing you mention, is it edible?

  16. Rico Rodriguez says:

    I for one welcome these clever new forms of transport. Horses don’t tend like it much when I grapple onto them in one of my typically high-octane and physics defying manoeuvres.

  17. YELLOW CAR! …oh wait’e, I’m on the wrong news’e, sorry.

  18. General Williamsbury III says:

    I daresay I shall put these vehicular monstrosities into combat as soon as our budget allows it. Imagine… hundreds of these metal wagons covering the battlefield, and not one, but two riflemen on each one… I say, the face of warefare shall be changed forever.

  19. Jack Martson says:

    I dunno, in the past three years every time I go into Blackwater all I see is one red motorcar sitting broken next to the auto parts shop. I reckon they never did figure out how to fix one, and the door is strangely locked whenever I try to go inside. All I know is that paw never did like them, and I can’t say I blame him. Although, at times it does get tiring getting these damn nags to work…

  20. Chosen One says:

    They are truly miraculous devices, but I fear they are not as perfect as suggested. When I visited New Vegas, my automobile vanished as if into the ether!

    The spirits must have disapproved.

  21. Nigel West Dickens says:

    Ahh, I have created a most exquisite of potions! One that will not only cure yourself from ailments, be they neurogical or inflammatory, but the famed automobilus too!

  22. ^

  23. Herbert Moon says:

    I’m Herbert Moon!


  24. I could steal one. Of course I’ve never actually stolen a horse either as I don’t think there are any in my town, but I have blackjacked a walking tree! Plus if I stand in any sort of shadow, I completely disappear. As long as these contraptions don’t have lights (they don’t, do they?) you’ll never see me steal it.

    I’m Garrett, baby. Even tree-honeys who previously tried to kill me want me.

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