Opinion

I Don’t Know What I’ll Do With All This Used Armor I Keep Buying

By Bogrum Gro-Galash, Innkeeper

As innkeeper of The Lonely Suitor Lodge in Bravil, in Southern Cyrodiil, I’m faced with a number of challenges. Keeping my lodge nice and tidy, my guests happy, and my rooms affordable is tough in this day and age while still managing to turn a profit. It definitely doesn’t help that I keep buying used sets of armor from any hero who walks in the front door.

I don’t know why I do it. I don’t need three pairs of rough leather boots, or two sets of fur gauntlets, or seven chainmail cuirasses. I don’t even go outside the lodge, let alone into the wild where I would need armor, but the moment a hero sprints in after a dungeon raid or a cavern crawl and dumps off some rusty iron greaves, there I am, handing over the hard-earned cash that I could have spent buying new mattresses for the guest rooms or improving my wine collection. I don’t know what my problem is. I just don’t know.

And it’s not just armor, either. Swords, shields, arrows, clothing, repair hammers, wolf pelts… whatever he’s got, I’ll buy it without hesitation. I draw the line at stolen items, sure, but if it’s a set of bloody fur gauntlets he’s yanked off some dead Khajiit bandit or a flawed pearl he found in a Altmer Conjurer’s cave, I’m more than happy to plunk down top dollar for them. I wish I knew why.

And don’t get me started on the so-called “potions” he sells me. He’ll buy me out of all my bread and vegetables, then stand there mashing them up with his mortar and pestle, right in front of me, and sell me back the resulting glop. Fifty-seven Restore Fatigue potions that taste like pumpkins and cheese? I don’t need my fatigue restored that badly. My patience, sure, but not my fatigue. And yet, I buy them all.

I’ll admit, sometimes he’ll sell me something nice. I like Soul Gems: I just think they’re pretty, even without souls in them. I’m halfway through reading the four volumes of The Argonian Account books he sold me, and I’m enjoying the story so far. The Dwarven helmet I purchased is certainly nice to look at: it’s wonderfully crafted and ornate, but I’ll honestly never wear it. I don’t even know where it comes from. We don’t have any Dwarves around here.

What is my problem? Am I too nice? Can’t I say no? I’ve spent my entire life savings purchasing the stuff he brings in here, and I’ve had to use two of my spare rooms just to store it all. Any more of this, and I’ll wind up living in the street, sharing a bedroll with Penniless Olvus. At least I know he won’t try to sell me anything.

Comments

  1. Lol, this is probably the funniest post i have read in my life, at least the ones i remember. Reminds me of the days i used to play this game :) This is certainly the best post on this site so far, better than the fps posts too
    ‘And dont get me started on the so-called potions he sells me. Hell buy me out of all my bread and vegetables, then stand there mashing them up with his mortar and pestle, right in front of me, and sell me back the resulting glop.”
    Best part! :D

  2. Horde Cloth Quartermaster says:

    You’re in the wrong business bro. Me, I have adventurers forking over truckloads of silk cloth and wool, and what do I give them in exchange? “Thanks! Now the Horde thinks you’re just swell!”

    If you ever move to Azeroth, give me a call, I’ll set you up. I’m usually standing around by the mage trainers, day and night.

  3. Dear Bogrum Gro-Galash,

    I myself am all too familiar with the problem you describe here. I am a Breton innkeeper at the Brina Cross inn and I seem to be unable to resist these ‘bargains’. Here is what I always do;
    After I have unwillingly bough trinkets, old, battered pieces of armour and rusty weapons from an adventurer, I scoop up the price a bit and sell them back to the local bandits. Sure, you might come across the same weapon every now and then (I heard it is a real trend for heroes to scavenge black bows in trade for tax money!) but it keeps the economy going and my inn tidy and neat.

    I hope you are able to use my advice,

    With regards,

    Christophe Marane.

  4. Salamar Kelleth says:

    Wow…I never thought of it this way. I’d like to apologise to all the innkeepers of Cyrodiil. I suppose I just figured that you’d all find something to do with it all. I mean, I don’t even really need the gold that badly. I never buy anything, because the bandits seem to have already bought the good stuff (Christophe, could this be your doing?).
    Once again, sorry f’lah.
    Sincerely,
    an adventurer.

  5. keith_chegwin says:

    Hi,

    I saw some mudcrabs the other day. I was wondering if you had any opinions on them?

  6. I have the same problem friend. I live in Morrowind, and adventurers come to be every day to sell me their useless junk. Though, unlike you, I have the nasty habit of putting the items on after I buy it, just to see how it fits. I never have the time to take them off, because I’m just too busy, so I’m forced to walk around with not matching sets of armor all day, and quite frankly, it’s bad for business!

    We should form some sort of therapy group.

  7. You should be THANKFULL that you never have to deal with any dwarves. A couple of years ago I was a travelling merchant in The Planes of Time and was heading for a small Dwarven hamlet called Ruthlesspants. Could be a nice place, I thought. Dammit, I was a fool.

    The goddamn broker at the place was drunk and dressed in nothing but silk thongs, five of them! He then tried to sell me over 200 rock flutes and toyboxes and a cage full of frenzied cats in exchange for all my booze and seeds. Suddenly he threw a tantrum and punched a purple guy so hard that he flew atleast 200 feet and exploded when he hit a tree.

    I’m still in theraphy.

    Last goddamn time I ever left Erectedpigs.

  8. If you think that’s bad then have I got a story for you.

    So I’m in my weapons store minding my own business and this pillock in a blue jumpsuit wanders in looking to trade. We get straight to business, bartering and all that. Somehow he convinces me that his rocket launcher was worth as much as my identical rocket launcher and 4 stimpaks, so I make the deal. Then he trades that rocket launcher and those 4 simpaks back for the first rocket launcher and another 4 stimpaks and a handgun. We keep trading back and forth like this and somehow he keeps convincing me that the same items are worth more when he’s holding them.

    Before I know it my entire inventory has gone and I’m left just left with a single irradiated apple, but at no stage did I think I was making a bad deal.

    You know the worst thing? The guy couldn’t even carry all the stuff he scammed from me, he ended up dumping half of it just outside the door.

    Yours empathetically,
    Jacob (Oldtown, The Hub)

  9. I feel your pain Jacob, I was sitting there, minding my own buisness when a tribal in a vault suit ran in, stole my stuff, and traded it for my magnum! I’m trying to make an honest living selling bits and bobs plus some….. other merchandise (if you got the money, I can hook you up) but this asshole is a really good salesman! Is he the same guy Jacob? he was twirling a spear though, so I would be wary of him. 2241 is just not a good time to own a shop.

    yours sincerely,
    Flick (westside, the den)

    P.S be sure to drop by and see the jan-u-wine mummy!

  10. FutileEnd says:

    I get the selling of armour and weapons, but the spontaneous Alchemy? That just undermines the potion business.

  11. Dear Mr. Gro-Galash,

    You need to get in touch with my friend Jack (no last name). He’ll show you how to use a Ryan Industries U-Invent machine to turn that worthless junk into valuable rare ammunition and sometimes Gene Tonics.

    While you’re visiting, try to avoid Dr. Steinman. With a face like yours, he’s likely to try to talk you into expensive cosmetic surgery. You should stop by the Adonis Luxury Resort, though. You look stressed.

    Your Neighbor Under The Sea,
    Tommy

  12. avocadobride says:

    wow, just wow, I love you Chris, I really do
    Keep up the amazing work

  13. I was always under the impression that shopkeepers were just extremely addicted to gambling with a horadric cube.

  14. Bjorner Alrik says:

    Bogrum Gro-Galash’s practice of bartering has made his inn one of my favorite places to visit in the city. Bravil has fallen on hard times, and being able to pay for my room, ale, and food in calipers and vestments has truly helped in this tough financial climate. Though I do feel Bogrum’s pain in dealing with such unregulated goods, I think that the decision to do so has increased my business with him significantly.

  15. I’ve heard others say the same.

  16. I saw some mudcrabs by the water recently. I steered clear of them!

  17. Ha! You other shopkeepers don’t even know how easy you have it! Listen, me, I somehow thought it was a good idea to set a brothel up way down on floor 2 of a treacherous series of randomly-generated mayan tunnels and catacombs beneath a ruined city. Stupid, in retrospect. I was banking on a huge Caveman market that never appeared.

    So business is pretty slow, right, as you’d expect, and I’m just settling into a routine and getting ready to gnaw my last arm off for sustenance when, you wouldn’t believe it, some crazy Spelunker comes running in and stuns me with a giant rock before grabbing my last girl and taking to his heels! I only just managed to get a look at the guy dropping down into the cave; He had a giant red nose and a battered fedora, and he was just throwing the woman around like a toy! Using her unconscious body to squash snakes and defuse traps!

    Well, don’t worry guys, I’m going to fix his little red wagon. I’ve got my shotgun out and I’m going to wait at the exit to every single floor down. Me and the other shopkeepers have banded together, we’re going to finally take this bastard down. He can’t escape all of us. Wish me luck!

  18. To “Shopkeeper” up there: Hear hear! It’s good to see someone’s fighting back against the bastards the media constantly sees fit to label as “Heroes”. I would never have the guts to take up vigilante action like that.

    Me, I run a small weapon show in lower Liberty City. I’ve never actually been attacked yet, but every day I just cower behind my desk, listening to the screams, explosions and sirens rage outside.

    He came into my store only once. I gave him the shotgun he wanted, and… he just turned around and used it to blow away two of my other customers. I was sure it was the end, but then he just put the gun away and walked out the door.

    I’ll… I’ll never know why he didn’t take me. But I know I’m only living on borrowed time.

    We Vendors need to organise a union. Strike back! Shop Power!

  19. I used to be one of those Heroes until I settled down in a nice manor in Skingrad. Im starting to get agrivated with the constant so-called “Heroes” Running through the town, to sell and buy things. Worst of all is that most of these heroes are in guilds like the Brotherhood of Darkness. Im just about ready to put my arrow in between the eyes of the next guy who runs through the city proclaiming to be a hero.
    ~Karth, Resident of Skingrad who has just about had enough.

  20. CopiousCoinpurse22 says:

    You think *you* got problems! This Bosmer learned his lesson the hard way.

    Pro tip: Always do background checks, and every month take a look at recent item manifests. Good gods.

    –Thoronir

  21. The Nerevarine says:

    Yo, listen, if you ever come across a Daedric pauldron for the right shoulder, let me know. I’ve been looking everywhere, and I do mean EVERYWHERE for one. And Divayth Fyr ain’t selling his.

  22. Firstly nice web site. Im uncertain if it may be talked about, but when working with Safari I can never get the entire blog to load with out refreshing many times. Might possibly just be my modem. Enjoy!

  23. Commander Shepard says:

    Don’t worry about it.

    I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favourite store in Cyrodil.

    I should be going now.

  24. Yeh, I am thinking about setting up shop in skyrim in a year’s time. wish me luck

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