Opinion

Keep Government Hands Off Our Swarms of Personal Attack Bees

By Andrew Ryan, founder of Rapture

Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? To the fruits of his labors? To the stinging swarms of his army of personal attack bees?

No, says the man in Washington, they belong to the poor, who have no deadly clouds of insects to call their own. No, says the Vatican, only God can choose who will die from thousands of incredibly painful bee-stings. No, says the man in Moscow, every person should have an equal number of personal attack bees as every other person.

The government would dictate that you cannot sell dangerous super powers like electric bolts, scorching fireballs, and immobilizing ice blasts out of vending machines for a few dollars. The government would have you believe it is wrong to implant sea slugs into the bellies of little girls to turn them into ghastly, giggling vampires. The government would tell you, no, you cannot possess swarms of killer bees and direct them to kill people you do not like.

I came to Rapture to build the impossible, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality, where the right to possess swarms of incredibly deadly personal attack bees would not be constrained by those who feel that swarms of incredibly deadly personal attack bees are too dangerous for anyone to own! And with the sweat of your brow, and the barbs of your insects, Rapture can become your city, as well.

The parasite expects the doctor to heal their bee-stings for free. The parasite expects the bee owners to lend them some spare bees out of charity. On the surface, the bee-keeper manages the hive, trading the strength of his hands and the soothing balm of his calamine lotion for bees of his own. But the parasites say ‘No! What was yours is ours! We are the state! We are God! We want a bunch of your deadly bees!’

A bee. (Inset: another bee.)

How little they differ from the pervert who prowls the streets, looking for a victim he can ravish for his grotesque amusement. Also: bees.

It is only when we struggle in our own interest that the chain pulls society in the right direction. The chain is too powerful and too mysterious for any government to guide. Any man who tells you different either has his hand in your pocket, or a pistol to your neck, or a bee pointed at you.

On the surface, the government will try to control your swarms of attack bees. In Rapture, who you sting with your bees is your choice.

Remember, a man chooses. A vicious swarm of personal attack bees obeys.

Comments

  1. The Eyelander says:

    Heads…

  2. GRAARRGHHHHHHHHHH.

  3. jzimbert says:

    I’ll give you my bees when you take them from my cold, dead, swollen-from-bee-stings hands!

  4. I’m covered in bees!

  5. cpsethgt says:
  6. Hugo Sanchez says:

    The bee in that picture looks to be a Eastern Carpenter Bee.
    Only the females have stingers, and only use them if, say, you held one in your hand.

    I’d say whoever got the vicious deadly attack bee plasmid and attracted those bees got riped off.

  7. Alien Grunt says:

    Don’t be trying to make out that you’re the guy who invented the whole swarm of bees thing, Andy. Those genetically enhanced bee-spawning arms of yours are nothing compared to the beauty of nature that is being BORN with vicious swarms of bees coming out of your arm.

    I also noticed you haven’t even perfected the technique of getting the bees to perform synchronised flying in straight lines yet. And you call your city a utopia, bah.

    Xen 4eva

  8. I thought Andrew Ryan was a great man. I was a fool. This screed proves it. Swarms of incredibly deadly personal attack bees indeed!!!

  9. Nicolas Cage says:

    OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!

  10. Suchong says:

    Tenenbaum… sometimes I pity the little freak. Such a tiny imagination… Content to sit there with her tanks of Adam, tweaking and optimizing. I need to create… Adam is a canvas of genetic modification… but swarms of personal attack bees are the paint.

  11. Leadhead Splicer says:

    Bees? Semen!

    SEMEN ON EVERYTHING!

  12. Bees?

    My god.

  13. The Pain says:

    Ha, Rapture is still using just regular bees to attack people?

    Come see me if you ever want to find out how to use bees for armor, teleportation, tommy guns, and grenades!

  14. Verendus says:

    I read Atlas Shrugged, mainly because I couldn’t wait for Bioshock Two. Vaguely interesting, but entirely too heavy-handed. Also, 1084 pages. Which is a lot.

  15. Mark Wahlberg says:

    You mean…you don’t care…what happened to the bees? You…you don’t care what’s happening to the bees?

  16. Natl. Attack Bees Assn. says:

    Bees don’t kill people, people do.

  17. This man is crazy. Take it from my experience. The soviets had a soldier trained in the usage of attack bees. Seemed like a waste of time, I thought to myself aloud. But you don’t realize how annoying a swarm of bees are until you’re waiting underwater for a minute or two for the damn things to leave you alone. Then you try to throw grenades at them, and the bees have learned to catch grenades mid-air and drop them right on top of you.

    Swarms of personal attack bees are the first step down a very dark path for humanity. Nukes are one thing, but Nukes can only irradiate so much. Personal attack bees will be the end of humanity.

  18. *bzzzzzzzzt*

  19. Eddie Izzard says:

    I like my coffee like I like my underwater utopias.

    COVERED IN BEES!!

  20. Vending Machine says:

    Get your soothing-ointment at the Circus of Values! Hahahahahahaha!

  21. Stupid unconcerned citizen says:

    If we uh….

    …re-goo-late gunz….

    ….only umm…….. those, cree-mee-nalz… wood have em……

    I ain’t a cree-mee-nal, so I shood have killer bees.

  22. I recommend you watch 2 Big Daddies, 1 Cup (of Deadly Personal Attack Bees).

    It’s not pleasant to watch, but you should see it just so you know what people are talking about.

    Also: bees.

  23. McDonagh says:

    Agh, not the bloody bees again! I keep telling Ryan, if he wants people to run around shooting great bloody bees out their hands he’s got to be prepared for when the cheeky blighters set up shop in the ‘works. This week alone I’ve cleaned out three nests from the pipes round ‘Phestus and got a lovely set of sting marks over me arse to show for it.

    Anyway, for when it happens again I’ve put a jar of the new upgraded Incinerate plasmid in the engineer’s supply cupboard. Code’s 0451.

  24. Nasonex Bee says:

    I am too congested to attack anyone.

  25. Lt.Col. Bill Kilgore says:

    I love the smell of honey in the morning.

  26. Spartan says:

    They said a thousand splicers of the Rapture empire descend upon us.

    They said their personal attack bees will blot out the sun.

    I say… Then we will fight in the shade!

  27. P.A.W.S. says:

    Us here at P.A.W.S. (Personal Attack Wasp Society) Believe the era of personal attack bees is over. All though Wasps lose the Personal Attack Bees ability to generate delicious Honey, we found that Personal Attack Bees Were to busy attacking people and dieing straight away to actually find any flowers and go make honey in peoples swollen arm cavity’s.

    Personal Attack Wasps are vastly superior in their ability to attack people, due to the fact they can make multiple stings without dieing. We need to end the Barbaric Treatment of Personal Attack Bees and switch to Personal Attack Wasps.

  28. Gordon Freeman says:

  29. I don’t like bees.

    Usually bees come when I have sandvich picnic with Sasha and comrades, they’re very annoying and painful. Reminds me a lot of Spy.

    Luckily Pyro friend help to burn bees, was very effective! Pyro friend burn sandvich basket too, though. We had to drink Scout energy drink.

    Sniper still complaining of shaky hand and stomach cramps. Heh, little baby.

  30. Fox Mulder says:

    Hm.. I’ve seen this before.

  31. Sulepsis of P.A.W.S. says:

    As long time incredibly painful wasps owner, we can tell you, incredibly painful wasps are much more enjoyable and more versatile applicable than the bees we or anybody else used before. Incredibly painful wasps are first class entertainment. Drop over at http://www.pbase.com/image/34100054 and order some baskets only a click from here.

  32. Circus of Values says:

    It’s THE CIRCUS OF VALUUUUES!

  33. Hallelujah, brother!

    But he forgot the Ryan Industries slogan for the product in question:

    A Man Chooses. Nine out of ten men choose Deadly Swarm.

  34. I wonder what that Fontain fella’ would have said about ‘em buzzling beauties had he been still kickin’, I guess we’ll never find out.

    Also, Ryan is not good for Rapture, clearly you see that here.

  35. Collector General says:

    ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL OF THIS BEEHIVE

  36. Tommy Callahan says:

    BEES! BEES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

  37. G.O.B Bluth says:

    BEADS?

  38. Advertisement says:

    Remember, 9 out of 10 women prefer the man with deadly personal attack bees coming out of his left hand!

  39. C. Farley says:

    They’re everywhere! They’re ripping my flesh off! Your firearms are useless against them!

  40. Lone Wonderer says:

    If only I had the power to control attack bees I could rule the wasteland! I mean I’ve seen a entire caravan of slaves and slavers taken down by merly two of the mutated beasties we have out here in D.C. Imagine a whole swarm, by god I could pick up the megaton bomb and drop it on tenpenny tower with the help of these bee’s.

  41. Whats-a the big deal? Just jump on the guys-a head, ba-da-boom ba-da-bing no more Mr. Bee Arm. Then you *take* his bees and make a suit.

  42. I challenge the government: just try to take away my dogs, or my bees, or my dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you.

    Do your worst!

  43. Man, at least bees sting you once then die.
    Wasps, on the other hand…

  44. @Leela

    Wake up!

  45. The Heavy says:

    Some people think they can outsmart me.

    Maybe… Maybe.

    I’ve yet to meet one who can outsmart bee.

  46. Hul hul hul hul hul hul hul.

  47. Recording by Plasmid Researcher says:

    Plasmid Researcher:
    Sadly, Telekenisis plasmid cannot catch bees. Problelm not with plasmid, problelm with reaction time. Hmm, just had idea for new plasmid. Wait, Ryan? No, I would never harm your bees. Wait! Oh god, help! Spare me! No, I wont do it! No plasmid will defeat your bees. Wait, no! No! Arghhhhh… (gurgle)

    Andrew Ryan:
    Only a parasite would ever hinder a man’s right to have unbeatable personal attack bees. And this parasite has died like the rest of them.

  48. Dr. Spencer Johnson says:

    WHO MOVED MY BEES?!?

  49. Insects.

Trackbacks

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  2. Anonymous says:

    [...] Observer keeps hitting all the right notes, this time parodying right-wing gun advocates in Keep Government Hands Off Our Swarms of Personal Attack Bees as a missive from Andrew Ryan. Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? To the fruits of [...]

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  5. [...] be just like Rapture: free from government tyranny, flooded with seawater and dead bodies, and with clouds of stinging bees everywhere. Don’t forget to bring your golf clubs! About Visit 's Website. View other [...]