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Millionaire Archaeologist Lara Croft Dead In Apparent Suicide

Thailand, Southeast Asia — Millionaire archeologist and adventurer Lara Croft has died in an apparent suicide by drowning, lawyers for her estate revealed today.

Croft’s tragic death comes just as she was embarking on an expedition to locate Thor’s hammer and gain entrance to the Norse underworld. An eyewitness says it appears she took her own life, deliberately submerging herself beneath the waves off the Thailand coast after repeatedly trying, and failing, to scale a sheer cliff wall.

“I watched her trying to climb this ridiculously steep cliff, clinging from tiny handholds and leaping across chasms,” one bystander said. “She kept falling, though, all the way back down into the water where she started, and kept having to try again.”

After numerous failed attempts, the eyewitness says Croft, frustrated, appeared to give up.

“After her last fall, she just swam down and floated beneath the surface of the water. She did not appear to be in physical distress, and her yacht was anchored not far away. She just deliberately floated down there until she ran out of air.”

“I’m completely shocked by this, but in a way, I can totally see why she did it,” the eyewitness continued. “I was getting frustrated and annoyed just watching her trying to scale those cliffs. I can only imagine how irritating it was for her.”

Though the waters Croft perished in are known for large, dangerous sharks, it does not appear they contributed to her death.

“There were a few sharks present when she initially dove off her yacht, but she quickly swam after them and shot them to death,” the eyewitness said.

“They’re endangered, you know,” he added. “The sharks. Like a lot of the animals she pumps bullets into. I’m just saying.”

“I’ve been there, too, in that frame of mind,” said Link, an adventurer in Hyrule, upon hearing of Croft’s suicide. “I’ve been so exasperated that I’ve wanted to drown myself. That water temple? Talk about frustrating. So many times I just wanted to take off my Zora Tunic and put on my iron boots and let the water fill my lungs and be done with it.”

“When you get overwhelmed, and you think about drowning yourself, you just have to find a healthy outlet for your anger,” he continued. “I usually take out my frustrations by swinging my sword at my annoying fairy guide. That does the trick.”

“I just wish Lara had called me,” Link said. “Maybe I could have talked her out of it.”


  1. Addendum says:

    In a startling turn of events, another body of the Archeologist was found at her mansion, apparently shot. The two bodies were compared at the mourge, and the second was found to be considerably more “Dark” and “Edgy” than the first. When pressed for comment, police officials said “Well, this is sort of stupid.”

  2. Link you MANWHORE.

  3. Oh shut up you slut. I saw you with that fat douche Talon. How COULD you?! I mean, I would understand if it were someone, you know, normal, but Jesus, HIM? I don’t even want to talk to you right now, I’m grieving. Go give your little rancher friend a milkshake, WHORE!

  4. Q.S.S.L. says:

    Us here at Q.S.S.L. (Quick Save saves Lives) find this another terrible example of how the lack of portable time travel devices allowing heros to quickly travel to a point just before the messed up kills.

    Oh these heros want the challenge of adventures without quick save backing them up, but BAM! one jumping puzzle to far and we find our nations favorite heros dead in a pool of water.

    Storys like this make us SICK. These heros just don’t know what they want, and Quick Save should be forced on them.

  5. Aperture Science Technician says:

    Guess Lara wasn’t thinking with portals.

  6. Thinking with Portals says:

    What would happen if you put a portal entrance at the bottom of the ocean and the exit on dry land?

  7. Anthony says:

    The best damn pool party ever.

  8. Do not emerge the device in liquid, even partially.

  9. Cosmo Kramer says:

    Submerged GLaDOS, Submerged.

  10. Finally! Now people will stop calling me a ripoff of that ho.

  11. Nathan Drake says:


    Word to that.

  12. finalfrog says:

    Later that evening Police received hundreds of noise complaints from PETA headquarters. The squad car sent to investigate found large numbers of heavily inebriated animals and PETA employees. After a short scuffle with several drunk elephants, all of the suspects were sent to the zoo for treatment, except for the PETA employees who were all horrifically mauled by several wasted tigers shortly after police arrived. Police reports said that this is the second time such an disturbance has occurred, the last time being when Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray.

  13. Note from gordon says:

    despite my suit not having a helmet I still have a rebreather, HOW???

  14. Note from gordon says:

    and the suit is metal anyway

  15. Lone Wanderer says:

    Thankfully, the Q.S.S.L. got to me before I did anything like this… at least then, when I jumped off the Bridge Tower on Rivet City, I was quickly brought back to life.

  16. Spy In Disguise says:

    Luckily, whenever I am discovered I instantly respawn back in my base. Only when we lose the battle am I killed.

  17. Mrrrrph!

  18. Distressed Reader says:

    Have we not forgotten her jumping and exploding period? Honestly, this woman needed help, aside Dom the countless endanered animals she kills, and people, she used to fucking EXPLODE.

  19. It seems dear Lara found the quick way to the underworld. Why didn’t I think of that?

  20. Tommy Vercetti says:

    That’s a real shame you know, water claims so many damn lives everyday, when people jump into it only to die instantly and inexplicably as if it was acid. Though then again, Vice City didn’t exactly have the tightest industrial regulations, the pricks…

    She reminds me of my friend Indiana Jones, who once tried to swim into a cold river and plunged into it instantly, leaving only his hat to swim off for Russians to nab. Thankfully I got it before then, though I’m afraid to touch it, cause’ it’s still a little soggy and only the top is dry enough to hold…

    Also, what is this “swimming” she was partaking in? Is it like dealing drugs? Or shooting prostitutes? Beats me…

  21. I certainly said emerge, not emerge. No, I said emerge, I definitely didn’t say emerge… Time out for a second…

    Place referee farm tempering width… *STATIC*
    Plays fain form stamping live… *STATIC*
    Please refrain from tampering with – Oh, that’s mush batter *STATIC* march bitter *STATIC much better – Aperture Technology Vocalization Systems, as this tends to upset the Generic Waveform and Dic… *STATIC* Kinetic Lifetime and Dic… *STATIC* Genetic Lifeform and Dic – *BZZZZZZZZZZZ* *flickering*


    Do not submerge the device in liquor, event party. *STATIC* limpet heaving startle *STATIC* linguistic eagle pants *STATIC*

    Oh, you thing you’re dune some damage? Six times nine is… forty-two… in base thirteen, I’M FINE!

  22. *snicker*
    *finds another pair of wires to cross*

  23. You minister. *STATIC* muster *STATIC* muenster *STATIC* mustard *STATIC* monetization *STATIC* monstrosity. *sigh* Fats clothe Enoch far meet. *STATIC* Thwack dose beneath door tea *STATISTIC* *SMATTERING* *SCATTERED* *SCRAMBLE*

  24. Now who sounds dumb?

  25. Insect.

  26. The Spirit Formerly Known as the Prince of Persia says:

    I can’t really say I’m upset.

    During our last run in, she looted my treasures, destroyed half of my palace, and shot my lifeless body FOR NO REASON. And to add insult to injury, she did it all in a bikini.

    Was she even an archaeologist? I mean, did anybody ever check her qualifications? Ahura Mazda, you guys really dropped the ball.

  27. Harbringer says:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Assuming control:
    This hurts you

  28. Oh. So that’s why you keep swinging at me?

  29. I take no responsibility for making Harbinger misspell his own name.

  30. Harbinger says:

    Assuming control of that renegade ‘r’.

    I can show you true typo’s, Chell.

  31. Commander Shepard says:


  32. Shepard

  33. Ambassador Udina says:

    Link didn’t think to give Lara advice beforehand?

    This is an outrage!

  34. This’ll put ’em down!

    …you know…in the water.


    Did I ever show you my model of the Turian cruiser?

  35. Dominic Santiago says:


  36. Captain Price says:

    What a tosser. I once fell down a waterfall, and survived. A bloody waterfall!

    She deserved it if she gave up so quickly.

  37. L understand where she’s coming from. Stupid freaking jumping puzzles… Who even designed the places? What happened to stairs? Just tiny little ledges everywhere… Requiescat in Pace Laura.

  38. Marcus Fenix says:

    Dom, please shut the fuck up, we stopped caring.

  39. Derrick says:

    Hey, Alex!

  40. I feel your pain. So we’ve got this horde of zombies chasing us, right? Ellis decides to jump in the water, because “zombies can’t swim!” The next thing you know, he falls to the bottom like a lead weight and drowns! Good thing it was Campaign mode – we found him in a broom closet further on.

  41. Sorry, I meant single-player… all those Keith stories must be getting to me. Having to wipe that turd off my suit was the last straw. If only I could strangle that vest-wearing grease monkey!

  42. One time, my buddy Keith got bombed by the army.

  43. What do you want DERR-ICK.

  44. Agent 47 says:


  45. Pfft, amateur…

  46. Hey, don’t implicate me in this. Not my fault the bitch wanted to steal my stuff. And why the hell was she looking in Thailand? I’m a NORSE god, from NORWAY. For me’s sake, why would hide my huge important hammer in Thailand? I think she just wanted a holiday. And to shoot some more endangered species. There aren’t that many exotic species in Norway. Apart from the dragons, but we ignore them.

  47. She needed a jetpack like my buddy Clank has installed in himself

  48. Guybrush Threepwood says:

    I guess not everybody can hold their breath for ten minutes.

  49. Can I make a suggestion? I feel youve acquired one thing good here. However what if you happen to added a pair links to a web page that backs up what youre saying? Or perhaps you possibly can give us something to take a look at, something that would join what youre saying to one thing tangible? Only a suggestion. Anyway, in my language, there will not be a lot good supply like this.

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