Panau, South-East Asia — A sudden rise in temperature on the island of Panau, possibly brought on by massive explosions and the resulting fires, has some climatologists concerned about man-made climate change, but Panau President Pandak “Baby” Panay claims it is just part of the island’s natural cycle.
“Temperatures are always fluctuating, not just in Panau, but world-wide,” President Panay said in a press release. “It is not of concern. It is completely natural, these explosions of fuel stations, oil tanks, passenger jets, radar dishes, military vehicles, and surface-to-air missile sites. It is all part of the mother nature’s normal, natural cycle and should not lower morale. All glory to Panau.”
Climate scientists from other nations aren’t so sure. The sudden spike in temperature, which began on March 23 of this year, may be man-made, and possibly the result of a highly skilled CIA agent who has infiltrated the island and is attacking military installations and fuel stations in an attempt to cause chaos, thus undermining Panay’s oppressive stranglehold over the island nation.
“You might get a natural fire or two from lightning or dry brush,” one Australian scientist said. “And maybe a few from industrial accidents or faulty equipment. But the entire island is erupting in explosions and fires, which leads me to believe an elite commando is causing mayhem with automatic weapons, rocket launchers, grenades, and maybe some kind of magic grappling hook.”
“The data doesn’t lie,” said one member of the United States Global Change Research Program, echoing the sentiments of roughly ninety-percent of the world’s climate scientists. “This rise in temperature on Panau is most likely the result of a lone agent on a top-secret, U.S. funded mission of regime-change through massive property destruction.”
Panau scientists agree with their President, however, that the rise in temperature is simply a natural occurrence. Dr. Kayu Venka, of The State-Funded Climate Research Facility For The Glory of Panau and Its Esteemed President Panay, denies any link between the sudden increase in temperature and any elusive, wise-cracking secret agent of chaos.
“This appears to be perfectly normal,” Dr. Venka read off a piece of paper, while shooting nervous glances at a ninja standing silently nearby pointing a sub-machine gun at his head. “Nothing man-made. Just natural warming. That’s what the data says. Everything is fine. Probably nothing to worry about.”
“Definitely nothing to worry about,” he quickly added as the ninja pressed the gun against his temple.
Citizens of Panau seem divided on the issue. Several members of “The Roaches”, a Panau drug cartel, chanted “Scorpio! Scorpio! Scorpio!” while standing around the burning remains of a series of fuel tanks, indicating they believe a shadowy agent of destruction is responsible for the warmer climate.
Others disagree. One truck driver said loudly “I agree with our glorious, shining leader on any and all issues.” Another citizen, standing in front of his burning car, said “I am pleased my car is upside-down in a ditch and on fire with the deadly, scalding flames of completely natural climate changing events.”
One member of the Panau military, dangling from a bridge by a cable that had punctured his lower abdomen, said simply “All glory to Panau!” before passing out.