10-05-01 - This Is Not My Beautiful Desk
Strange, strange day.
When I got up this morning, I noticed my apartment was extremely small and lacking in luxury items. Weird. Puzzling over this, I got dressed, and realized my clothing was rather plain and somewhat threadbare. My shirt and pants fit, but they did not appear to be custom-tailored. I scratched my head.
When I stepped out of my apartment, I noticed a distinct lack of reporters and photographers surrounding me. At the curb, there wasn't an incredibly expensive luxury car with heated seats. There wasn't even a limo. Just a bus. A bus? What the...
And work! Don't even get me started about work. Rather than a huge, spacious office with a grand view of the city, there was a small table in a hallway. During the day, I was completely ignored, only being spoken to by people who wanted me to do insignificant chores and meaningless tasks for them. Baffling.
The phone rang a lot, which comforted me at first, but instead of famous people (like, say, Wil Wheaton) wanting to chat with me, the callers seemed to be mostly regular people who wanted to talk to others working in my building. 100% of the calls were not from my agent, or manager, or public relations team.
At lunch, no one recognized me or asked me for an autograph.
After work, and another bus ride (???), I went to the store, where I noticed I was buying baloney and cheese and extraordinarily cheap bread. Spotting the front page of the newspaper (a front page, I should point out, that did not have a story about me) confirmed my suspicions that something was definitely wrong. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Walking back home, I noticed there was a distinct lack of beautiful women shrieking, waving, and exposing their pert breasts to me. Young men, walking by, did not want to shake hands or take pictures with me. While passing a house, I glanced in a window and spotted a blank wall, where (and I'm quite certain about this) a poster of me should have been hanging. Stunned, I stopped in my tracks.
A car horn was honked. Could this be...? No. Just someone perturbed that I was blocking their driveway.
I got home and did not, repeat, not do a few laps in my indoor pool, right before I didn't retire to my book-lined study to look over some movie offers I didn't have, while not sipping fine brandy. What I did, instead, was sit there on my futon, in my underwear, watching Friends and eating cold French fries.
Finally, it hit me what the problem was.
I'm not famous.
I'm also not rich.
This, frankly, pisses me off.
Something will have to be done about this. And soon.
10-04-01 - Words. Words? Words!
Hi! Thanks for stopping by. Did you find the place okay?
The reason I ask is, sometimes people just stumble over this website, as the result of typing words or phrases into search engines. If you've ever used a search engine, you know it doesn't always deliver you to the sort of site you're looking for. And a stroll through my webstats show me that many, many people wind up here for all the wrong reasons (except, apparently, Wil Wheaton).
Still, it's good to hang onto visitors, even errant ones. Let's take a look at some recent keyword searches that brought people to this site, and as always, I've done my best to provide some information relevant to their requests (keywords are in bold).
im a boy and i want to learn the movies in sex - Well, there are lots of movies with sex in them if you need pointers... Just stay away from Last Tango in Paris. You'll never be able to butter a roll again.
embarrassing moments speedos off - No, embarrassing moments Speedos on. Very embarrassing. No be seen with Speedos on. It rule number one.
nude pics my husband does not know about - Well, he will know about them soon if you miss the drop. Remember, large bills in sequential order.
how long does it take for pokemon to mate - Well, time this: "pika-pika-pika-pika-PIKA-PIKA-PIIIIIIIIKA... CHUUUUUU!" I've got... about four seconds.
eat my ass - It helps if you say 'please.' Or at least 'now.'
nose hooks women - Film at eleven!
i pooped in my bikini - And your first stop was an internet search engine? Anyway, don't worry, you can always get in Sports Illustrated next year.
embarrassing nude pics you dont want people to see - Okay, here's a link to my gallery of embarrassing nude pictures I don't wa-- heyyyy, wait a second!
kick his balls testicles no children - It is a fairly effective form of birth control, provided you kick both his balls and his testicles.
funny ear accessories - Hey, I've got a great funny ear accessory. My HEAD.
free pictures of hairy and very muscular men - For free? I don't think so.
free naked pictures of fred durst - I... just don't think so.
pictures of men in puberty - Well, I am still waiting for my voice to change.
surfing without your boss knowing - TIP: Make sure you don't track sand into the office. HAW HAW.
pictures of men jerk off men like to jerk off - Okay! I get it! You're very interested in men jerking off!
steal office chair - Yes, definitely. Just because you're at home doesn't mean you can't be uncomfortable.
lyrics have no right bringing your here knowing what feeling way - Catchy!
let the computer change your voice into a sexy high pitch women voice - No need, as was previously mentioned.
boo - If you're trying to scare me, you're gonna have to do better than that.
naked greasy men - Ack! That did it! I'm scared!
men pooping their underwear - Stop already! Do you want to give me nightmares?
pendulous balls - Okay. Now you're just being mean.
deep smurf - Sorry, but I don't know. Woodward Smurf has never revealed his identity.
cause of temporary insanity - That's an easy one. Try starting with all the keywords I didn't include.
10-03-01 - Hump-Day Slump
In loving memory of Henchman of the Week, we will be taking this Wednesday off.
Actually, I'm just really tired. I'll have something tomorrow! Temp's honor!
10-02-01 - MAKE ME MISERABLE!
Me: Hi, and welcome back the show! Our special guests today made my day miserable, and we'll be talking to them and getting their thoughts and feelings on how they made a crappy day for me... even crappier!
Me: Okay! First, let's say hello to the lady who wore flip-flops to work today, and spent the whole day walking back and forth past me every ten seconds, her feet making that annoying 'smick-smick-smick' sound that flip-flops make!
Flip-Flop Lady: Hello!
Me: Hi, Flip-Flop Lady! Welcome to the show.
Flip-Flop Lady: Thank you.
Me: Now, do you realize how annoying it is to have to listen to you walk around in those damn flip-flops all day?
Flip-Flop Lady: Nope! I sure don't, because I only think about myself. I'm selfish and inconsiderate!
Me: Ha ha! I could have guessed that. And why did you feel a need to walk past my table 800 times?
Flip-Flop Lady: Just to make your day...
Me: Well, don't think I didn't notice! Thanks for coming. Now, our next guest is the bus driver who was way too chatty. Welcome!
Way-Too-Chatty Bus Driver: Thanks! Hey, thanks! It's great to be here. Hot today, though, isn't it? Whooo, it's damn hot. I need me an air conditioner on this bus, I tell ya that! That's a nice hat that Flip-Flop Lady has on, is it new? How you doin' girl! I ain't seen that hat before! Is it new? Where'd you get it? Boy, I --
Me: Ha ha ha, yes! I think we see the problem, here, don't we?
Way-Too-Chatty Bus Driver: Problem? I'll tell you my problem. I got a back problem! You ever gone to a chiropractor? Boy, they be crackin' and pullin' and it don't do nothin' to help me! I--
Me: Let me break in here for a question, if I may. Do you realize that while you sit on the bus chatting away to the passengers, the light has changed four times? And the bus hasn't moved since you're too busy chatting to actually drive it?
Way-Too-Chatty Bus Driver: Nope! Didn't notice! I'm a dipshit who can't stop talkin'! I just want to make your day...
Audience: ...EVEN MORE MISERABLE!!!
Way-Too-Chatty Bus Driver: Speaking of which, you see that show last night about the--
Me: Ha, ha, but wait! Don't you know that some people actually get onto the bus because they desire to be transported from one place to another? Like maybe they've had a bad day and want to go home and drink themselves into unconsciousness?
Way-Too-Chatty Bus Driver: Naw, I don't believe that. I think people want to get onto this bus, which smells like urine, just for the conversation!
Me: I thought so! You're a moron! Anyway, our next guest is a yellowjacket. Yellowjacket?
Yellowjacket: Hi. Great to be here.
Me: Welcome. Now, let me check my notes here... oh yes. You bothered me during my lunch hour, when I was trying to sit on a bench reading my book. Isn't that right?
Me: Now tell me... what was it about my left shoulder you found so fascinating? You buzzed around it for about twenty minutes, disturbing the only peace I had today!
Yellowjacket: Well, I find the shoulder is a good place to buzz around. It's close enough to the ear to creep you out with the buzzing noise and make you think you're gonna get stung, but far enough away that I don't get swatted.
Me: Great strategy!
Yellowjacket: I think so. It makes your day...
Audience: ...EVEN MORE MISERABLE THAN IT ALREADY WAS!!
Me: Ha ha! And?
Audience: ...IT'S JUST REALLY GODDAMN ANNOYING!!!
Me: YJ, thanks for coming. You're an asshole insect.
Yellowjacket: I'd also like to give a shout-out to my peeps.
Me: Word! Now, our final guest today is Wil Wheaton. Hi, Wil Wheaton!
Wil Wheaton: Hello.
Me: Thanks for being on the show. Now, you still haven't e-mailed me, or mentioned me on your website, despite the fact that I wrote about you extensively on Friday and have mentioned you both yesterday and today, right?
Wil Wheaton: That's right. Yes.
Me: The reason I ask is that you told someone you bookmarked my site. So, I'm just wondering what the deal is. I mean, hah, I'm starting to look bad here!
Wil Wheaton: Well, anything I can do to...
Audience: ...MAKE YOUR DAY COMPLETELY UNBEARABLE AND MISERABLE AND AND HEAP ON SOME MORE CRAP THAT ISN'T ENJOYABLE AT ALL!!!
Me: Well, you certainly have done that! Ha ha!
Wil Wheaton: Hey, I do what I can. I'm Wil Wheaton!
Me: That you are. Anyway, that's today's show! Sorry we didn't have time for the rest of the guests who made my day miserable, such as The Lady Who Screwed Up My Lunch Order, God, And Those Ten Guys Who Showed Up Wanting To Meet With All The Department Heads But Didn't Bother Arranging A Meeting or Phoning Ahead To Schedule An Appointment And Just Stood Behind Me Jingling The Change In Their Pockets While I Frantically Made Fifty Phone Calls To Arrange Their Dumb Meeting. Maybe next time, folks! G'night!
10-01-01 - S.W.A.T.: Single White Anti-Terrorist
Welcome to Not My Desk, one of Wil Wheaton's favorite websites! (Confirmation pending.)
Hey, guess what? Zomp from zompist.com interviewed me a while back, and the interview is now online! If you don't get enough of my vague, pointless ramblings on this site, check out the interview here! Thanks, zomp!
Last week, I wrote a piece about how stupid the office I work in is. They've got the elevator locked off, requiring the thirty or forty daily visitors we get to buzz my desk (table) on an intercom system, and then I go down four stories to let them in. I was initially told this was because we don't have a functioning lobby, and this was the only (and most stupid) way to prevent visitors from wandering cluelessly around the building. I regarded this, again, as stupid, as anyone would, provided they possess actual brain cells, which my co-workers apparently do not.
However, and I am not in the least surprised, they have topped themselves. A woman I work with mentioned offhandedly that the system was actually set up that way to provide extra security from terrorists.
My response to this was, and I quote, "Gluh?"
Apparently, I am this company's first, last, and only line of defense against terrorism.
Now, as a temp, I'm fairly open-minded with my job descriptions. I mean, I've shown up at jobs after being told they needed someone with WordPerfect skills, only to spend my entire week moving office furniture or cleaning machine parts. And do I ever complain? Hell yes. Constantly. But usually just to you guys, not to my actual employers.
Still, I have a few comments on the matter of being an unwitting terrorist deterrent that I may have to bring up to the people I work for. Such as:
2) If you're worried about security, hey, you might want to hire, oh, I dunno... a SECURITY GUARD. These are people who are too crazy to be cops or Marines. They live to hassle people and hit them over the head. I'm a temp, and a timid one at that. Even nuns shove their way in front of me at the grocery store. I may not be your guy.
3) Okay. If you're bent on putting me in charge of anti-terrorism, you should, you know... like... MENTION IT TO ME AT SOME POINT. Not knowing that I'm supposed to be keeping an eye out for terrorists this past week has more or less resulted in me not keeping an eye out for terrorists this past week. I haven't been screening people. No one has been frisked. Body cavities have gone woefully uninvestigated. People more or less buzz up and say "Let me in," and I buzz down and say "OK."
4) Now. Even if I had been briefed on the whole anti-terrorist plan, what, exactly, am I supposed to be doing? Conducting interviews and background searches? Reading minds? Drop-kicking suspicious couriers? Clinging to the top of the elevator so when people enter it, I can drop down on them, shrieking, like some sort of hysterical, malnourished cougar?
5) As far as I can tell, even if I spot a terrorist (terrorists being easily identified by their T-shirts reading 'Terrorist', or the more popular and humorous 'I'm with Terrorist --->') I am completely helpless to prevent them from entering the building. I'm a twerp. A mildly handicapped fourth-grader could incapacitate me with nothing more than a spastically unfurled yo-yo. What chance do I have against a well-trained psychotic commando? It seems to me that under the current plan, the only difference in outcome if terrorists should invade our building is that I will be killed on the first floor, slightly before everyone else, instead of being killed on the fourth floor, at the same time as everyone else. I don't know about the people I work with, but I don't find this thought particularly comforting.
6) You shouldn't keep your temps in the dark. We're resourceful. I mean, we manage to get paid for not doing any work, so you should pick our brains for ideas. I might have my own suggestions on how to protect the building, you know. I suggest that the best way to be safe is simply to unplug the intercom all together. That way, no one gets in and I don't actually have to move all day. Hell, I could do that from home!
In closing: You want me to spear-head your anti-terrorist program? Fine. Just give me a heads-up, willya? Let me know. Ask for my input. Give me a bazooka. Call me by a cool nickname, like SERGEANT STRANGLEHOLD or DOCTOR STRONGARM or CAPTAIN GROINWHOMP. Stuff like that.
And how about another couple bucks an hour? Peace of mind don't come cheap.
Diversions today: Meena posted something really cool on the message board: Tiny Games! I don't normally link to things you have to download, but these are cool. And very tiny. Check 'em out! Thanks Meena! Link is on the sidebar. (There are several games, so that's the Diversions for the week. Deal with it! Gluh!)
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