5-4-01 - Hells Pehls!
Hey! Today we've got an article written by Mary Jo Pehl! Just for my l'il ol' site! Is she the coolest or what?
5-3-01 - Why I Should Never Leave My Apartment
I take a little walk to the store at about 11pm. I just need Gummi Bears, you know?
On the way back, I'm standing at the corner, waiting for the light to change. A cop walks up, and in his hand is a leash, and on the leash is a police dog.
I look at the cop. The cop looks at me.
I say, "Hi."
The cop says, "Hi."
I look down at the dog. The dog looks up at me.
I say, "Hi, pups."
The dog says, "ROWRRROWRROWWRWOROARWARRR!!!"
The dog leaps at me, specifically, at my neck. It's one of those moments from a cartoon, as his leash snaps taut with his sharp teeth clicking about a millimeter from my jugular. The cop drags him away while I wait for my heart to start beating again. It does, at about nine times its normal rhythm, and I walk home without blinking once. Better than a cup of coffee, I'll tell you that.
Hey, guess what! Tomorrow I have a special treat, an article written for Not My Desk by Mary Jo Pehl! Wow! I interviewed Mary Jo a while back, and she was nice enough to write an original piece for Not My Desk. So, that'll be tomorrow. Come check it out!
5-2-01 - Accent Egoon
Temporary employees. Movie henchman. I like pretending they have a lot in common. Got a problem with that?
Henchman of the Week: Manny Ray
Featured in: Scarface (1983)
Specialty: Security, swarthiness
Attire: Pants so tight you can read the dates on the spare change in his pockets
Not Suited For: Phone work, due to thick accent
Temporary Assignment: In 1980, Fidel Castro came up with a novel way to solve the problem of prison overcrowding: he emptied his jails onto boats, and floated the inmates to Miami. Along for the ride came one Tony Montana, an ambitious thug, and his loyal, long-term, goofy-grinned, over-sexed henchman, Manny Ray.
Manny and Tony wind up in a detention center, where Manny walks around in tight red pants and finds them their first assignment: in exchange for Green Cards and freedom, they have to kill a former Castro associate named Rebenga. During a bloody riot filled with unconvincing extras half-heartedly waving sticks, Manny chants and swings his hips to distract Rebenga, while Tony stabs him (Rebenga) in the stomach.
Once released, Manny and Tony work in a kitchen, where we first witness Manny's love (or lust) for beautiful women. The two Cubans (well, Tony doesn't really look Cuban), get an assignment from another Cuban named Omar (who doesn't really look Cuban either), which involves picking up cocaine from some Colombians (who look Columbian, I guess, I'm no expert). Tony goes into the Colombians' apartment to make the deal, while Manny stays in the car, trying to pick up women. After being rebuffed by a bikinied beauty, Manny notices that Tony has been gone for a long time, and bursts into the apartment, where he finds Tony about to be cut up by a chainsaw (in fact, while Manny was groping the girl in the street, one of his chums, Angel, was being sliced up like a redwood). Manny comes in blasting, takes down a woman (surprisingly, he doesn't even try to get her number), and wounds two other Colombians before taking a round in the torso. He's okay, though, because the bullet "went in and out", which, in the movies, means it's no big deal.
They deliver the drugs and money to Omar's boss, Frank Lopez. Manny allows Tony to do all of the talking (by talking, I mean butchering of the English language), while Manny laughs politely at Frank's jokes. Frank takes everyone to a club for dinner, where Manny immediately heads for the dance floor to wrestle women into submission.
Tony is quite taken with Frank's wife, Elvira, but Manny warns him, "Man, dat's de bosses lady, ogay? You're gonna ged us gilled." Good advice, but Tony doesn't seem to want to take it, so Manny adds "Don't fugging go crazy on me, ogay? Jus remember, lass year at dis time we were in a fugging cage, too, ogay?"
Ogay. Three months later, the boys are doing well, but Tony is bored, and Manny is still striking out with the ladies. Tony wants the world, riches, and fame, but all Manny wants is "...a line of blue-jeans, right? Wid my name written on da backsa chicks asses." He then attempts to pick up a sunbather by waggling his tongue for her, but she slaps him, and he calls her a lesbian. Tony lets Manny in on his business plan: "Firss, ju ged da money. Den, ju ged da bowwer. Den, ju ged da weemon."
Manny, clearly, is only interested in gedding da weemon, as we see when Tony goes to visit his sister, Gina. Manny leers at her from the car, mumbling "Sheez boodivull," and Tony screams "HEY! Ju stay away from harr. She nod for you. You hear?"
"Ogay," Manny agrees.
When Omar is whacked in Bolivia, Tony climbs into Frank's number two spot, but clashes with Frank when he makes bigger and bigger deals without permission. Manny sees Tony explode into another jealous rage over his sister Gina, screaming in her face and slapping her, and as Manny drives her home, she hits on him, and he screams in her face, but doesn't slap her. Could dis be love? It cood be, ogay?
After Frank tries to have Tony killed in a nightclub filled with even more unconvincing extras (they're laughing uproariously at a Richard Belzer routine, I mean, come on), Tony rouses Manny from bed, where he is enjoying a nude woman (surprise!) and they head to Frank's office to discuss a possible company reorganization. Frank pleads for his life, and Tony promises he won't kill him, then turns to Manny and says "Choot dat piece of chit." Manny choots Frank, then goes so far as to recruit Frank's temp, Ernie, to Tony's payroll.
Everything goes along swimmingly for a while, with Tony marrying Frank's widow, Manny and Gina getting closer, and everyone getting richer and more powerful to a cheesy 80's soundtrack. Manny gets ambitious but sloppy, setting up a deal which results in Tony getting arrested. In exchange for some legal favors, Tony must now help a Bolivian thug whack someone, but Tony instead whacks the Bolivian thug while the original target goes unwhacked. Already in a bad mood, Tony drives to Manny's house, where he finds him with Gina. Surprisingly, Tony is not happy, and he subtly indicates his displeasure by refusing to sign Manny's time card, as well as pumping a couple bullets into his torso. These bullets go in, but don't come out.
Performance Review: Manny, for the most part, isn't a great henchman. Sure, he's loyal, but he's easily distracted by the ladies. Spending too much time inviting women to say hello to his "little friend", he gets his fellow goon Angel sliced up, and then gets his boss in trouble with the Feds. While chasing women is nothing to be ashamed of, try not to use your temp job as a dating service, and when it comes to the boss's sister, best to keep the Cuban cigar in the humidor. Ogay?
Manny is played by Steven "Rocky" Bauer, a Cuban-born film and television actor who most recently starred in Steven Soderbergh's Traffic.
5-1-01 - April Wrap-Up on the Temp Network!
Don: All right! This is Don Thompson, along with Jim Traynor, here to give you the Temp Network April Temp Wrap-Up!
Jim: That's right, Don! The first month of the temp season is over, and it's been a rough start for most of our temps, to say the least.
Don: Ha ha! Got that right, Jim. Failures left and right, some disappointing starts --
Jim: A few veterans not performing to their full potential, and a few rookies just in over their heads...
Don: Exactly, exactly. Anyway, let's get started! Jim?
Jim: Okay, here we have Edward Lewis, a rookie from Ohio State, just starting his first full season of temping. Hot prospect, but clearly fizzled his first two weeks at a Wal-Mart Corporate office.
Don: Now, Lewis is a Manpower Temp, and with Manpower's payroll and national exposure, they often recruit the youngest and hottest new temps.
Jim: I should just jump in here, and explain to the viewers, that when we say "hot", we are by no means talking about looks or physical attractiveness.
Don: No, no absolutely not, no. We can see that Lewis is not even remotely attractive.
Jim: Even at 6' 1", and with a fairly sturdy build, the ladies are simply not interested.
Don: Well, look at that face. Goober.
Jim: Exactly. Still, his looks are the least of his problems this spring. He attacked his first temp job with a lot of enthusiasm, but he paid the price. Constantly offering to help out, he wound up fetching lunch several times, and by chatting with a couple of the elderly administrative assistants, or "lifers", he was forced to join them for lunch.
Don: The officials had to charge him with an error for that one. Most disappointingly, he was talked into carpooling with, uh, let me check my notes... a mother of three, as well as a stamp-enthusiast from accounting. He's just... he's just bending over backwards, afraid to say "no" to anything at this point, Jim. He's just over-eager, really pressing at this point.
Jim: Also, Temping Prospectus reports that he is the last stop on the carpool, so he must be crammed in the back with lots of sticky toys and the child seat. Let's hope his numbers improve in May, or it could be back to grad school for him.
Don: Or a permanent job!
Jim: Ha ha! Right!
Don: Okay, here we've got Luke Osata, a major player from Japan, huge, huge temp over there.
Jim: Definitely. Seven years temping in Japan, and now on his first April in the U.S. of A.
Don: He was picked up in a trade by OfficeTeam, who sent Shel Daniels over there. Shel, we hardly knew ye.
Jim: Shel's having a tough time in Japan. Doesn't speak the language, and, last we heard, isn't enjoying his sleeping tube or his all-fish diet.
Don: Not at all. Anyway, Osata is definitely going to waste with OfficeTeam. He has Word, Excel, Access, and PowerPoint skills, not to mention his Sys Admin experience...
Jim: Two years.
Don: Right, right, and tremendous HTML and VRML skills, but OfficeTeam has placed him at an Oakland School Board office, and they have him stuffing envelopes eight hours a day.
Jim: Even if he's picked up elsewhere, those papercuts are really going to hurt his timing.
Don: Don't rule out general bitterness and bone-wrenching depression, either.
Jim: And here we have Andy Walsh--
Don: Oh, man.
Jim: Andy Walsh, although he insists everyone call him Andrei.
Don: This guy... man, well, no one is really surprised.
Jim: Absolutely not. A total drip, he's using temping as a way to avoid a full-time job, which isn't unusual, except for the fact that he's claiming that his poetry will suffer if he is permanently employed.
Don: Or even temporarily employed! So it seems, anyway, as he only worked 3.5 days the entire month. Picked up on waivers by Express Personnel, he turned down four of the first five assignments they gave him!
Jim: Everyone knows you have to take the first assignment, even if it's crap.
Don: Everyone but this pseudo-beatnik! What a pinko. Brings up his poetry to anyone within earshot, and passes out flyers for his readings at local coffee bars in the Seattle area.
Jim: Refuses to do phone work, I understand, on the basis that "Telephones project voice, but not meaning, and not understanding."
Don: I want to hit him.
Jim: Quit his first job after a day, because he felt the company represented corporate America at its worst, it says here. I think it was a small law firm, so that doesn't even make sense. Managed to stay with his second assignment for 2.5 days, but only because it was an Environmental Bureau. And then he got canned because he kept screwing up on the fax machine and leaving early for his Shiatsu class.
Jim: Okay, over to Women's Temping now!
Don: Allison Keeler, six year veteran, specializes in long term assignments. A pro, truly the best of the best.
Jim: She's been pretty much everywhere, and done it all, but she is slumping bad this spring.
Don: She sure is, Jim, and I think you just summed up the problem. She's done it all, and has acquired a tremendous ego in the process.
Jim: Well, we can't be too hard on her. She relocated to Boston and started with a new agency, and they simply won't trust her with executive assistant level assignments yet. But you can't blame them for that.
Don: I may disagree with you there, Jim. She's not willing to start off answering phones and working reception again, and I don't blame her. She has solid references and they really need to place her somewhere she can excel.
Jim: She definitely needs to be more patient though. And references aside, she has long, fake, pink fingernails and is a horribly tacky dresser, and it would be tough for any agency to trust her right off the bat.
Don: Well, I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this one, Jim!
Jim: Shut up.
Don: And here we have Emily Walker.
Jim: Wow, what a disappointing start, truly.
Don: Absolutely. She's a great temp, 2nd year, SUNY Binghamton grad, very capable, talented, possibly a bit shy, but that works in a temp's favor most times.
Jim: Definitely, yes. Keeps them from getting too close to the perms, and from getting invited to luncheons and baby showers. But, while shy, she's not standoffish nor disagreeable. Still, she's hurting this spring.
Don: Big time. She got jammed into a customer service gig the first two weeks, which is tough enough, but now she's sharing a cubicle with a large, red-haired British woman who smells like meat.
Jim: It's been a bad month, but hopefully she will recover.
Don: Our one success story this spring seems to be Rachel Cain.
Jim: I'm with you there. She is having an astounding April.
Don: Baffling, to say the least. Because she seems to have no office skills whatsoever.
Jim: Not a one. I don't think she's familiar with even the most simple of computer software. Her scouting report says her typing speed was clocked at about 16 WPM.
Don: Yet in her first week she was promoted to Executive Assistant for the Director of Marketing, one Brett Carson, 45, divorced, and she has been allowed to take every Friday off this month. She also gets to take Carson's car out when she needs to get her hair done or run errands.
Jim: Rumor has it, she'll be getting an expense account and rate increase before long.
Don: Well, I can't explain it. I guess she just has a great personality.
Jim. That's all I can think of.
Don: Or it could be her tits.
Jim: Right. Stay tuned! We'll be back after the break with the injury report and the box scores!
4-30-01 - A Kick in The Buttons
(Diversions this week: tests! Apparently, there is a new show where they will ask celebrities revealing questions and then score them on their answers, but you don't have to just sit there and watch it! You can answer the same questions they do, and thus pretend you are a wealthy celebrity instead of just some anonymous reader of temping websites! There's nine in all, but I've linked to three down on the sidebar. Enjoy!)
Stuff from Readers!
Ha! I love this. Sent in by Trevor! Thanks, bro! I do love Winky jokes!
This one is from Tom, from the UK, I believe. The cardinal rule: if that facebuilding lady is in it, it's all fine with me. Thanks, Tom!
These were both created and sent in by Rae from Australia! Ooooh, me likey the big blowing up thing! Thanks, mate!
Sent in by Crispy! Very funny! And gross ('member the Garbage Pail Kids?). He asked me for a link, so click here to check out his site, www.bootysnaps.com. Thanks, Crispy!
Also, special thanks to Ian Wallace for running my banner, as well as for being a cool guy in general. Check out Ian's site (www.ianwallace.com) by clicking here.
Last week, I got an amusing e-mail from a temp in Canada. It seems the password they gave her for her computer is "abc123", so every morning, she has that damn Jackson Five song stuck in her head.
After reading her e-mail, I found I had it stuck in my head. So, I thought I'd pass on the favor (or "favour," as those wacky Canadians spell it) and get it stuck in your head. No need to thank me.
Also, I'd like to thank this person for writing in, but it seems like kind of a bad idea to list a person's name and password, so I'll just say this: Thanks, P!
Tomorrow: Who knows? Maybe some written content! And later in the week, an original article by Mary Jo Pehl herself!
All material © 2000 - 2001 by Christopher Livingston. Yeah. That'll hold up in court.