World

Commander Shepard Triumphantly Resolves Minor Squabble

The Citadel, Serpent Nebula — Commander Shepard of the U.S.S. Normandy chalked up another important victory today when she solved a minor dispute involving a missing, possibly stolen credit chit on The Citadel. Citizens of the universe, still in grave peril from an alien species of immense power and unthinkable evil, rejoiced at Commander Shepard’s key role in solving this minor disagreement.

The trivial incident occurred on Level 26 of The Citadel. A Volus named Kor Tun discovered he was missing a credit chit shortly after bumping into a female Quarian named Lia’Vael. Suspecting she had deliberately engineered their collision to surreptitiously lift the chit from his pocket, Kor Tun flagged down a C-Sec officer and demanded the Quarian be placed under arrest.

It was at this point that Commander Shepard, who had earlier been investigating the mysterious abduction of thousands of colonists by unknown evil alien forces, but who had stopped by the Citadel to shop for tropical fish for her aquarium, overheard the dispute and intervened.

After obtaining each individual’s interpretation of the incident, Shepard began her in-depth investigation, putting the pressing matter of the salvation of the universe on hold once again. Shepard spoke to employees at the Sirta Foundation, where the two aliens had bumped into each other, and at Saronis Applications, where Kor Tun had been shopping earlier. Shepard eventually determined that Kor Tun had made some purchases with the chit but had accidentally left it in the store.

As the matter of the thousands of missing, possibly murdered colonists remained a chilling mystery, Shepard made a quick trip to search for platinum on a planet in the Pax System and took a lengthy detour to have a drink and watch an exotic dancer in the Afterlife Club in the Omega Nebula. She then returned to the Citadel, where the three participants in the missing chit incident were still patiently waiting where she had left them. Shepard informed them of her discovery: the Volus had simply forgotten to take his credit chit with him after leaving Saronis Applications, who were holding it for him.

“That’s what makes Shepard such a valuable commander,” one bystander said. “She has the leadership to put the fate of the universe and the well-being of thousands of missing colonists on hold to look into the smallest personal matter, such as finding ingredients for her ship’s cook so he can prepare a nice meal, buying toy spaceships to decorate her cabin, or seeing how many of her shipmates she can seduce.”

News of Shepard’s decisive minor victory quickly spread through the galaxy, lifting the spirits of people everywhere who were wondering what had happened to their missing loved ones and how soon they too would be abducted and consumed by the ancient evil plaguing the universe.

Even people in other dimensions of the multiverse were impressed with Shepard’s ability to ignore impending doom in favor of resolving minor dust-ups. “You just don’t see that kind of dedication to trivial matters anymore,” said Arvena Thelas, a Dunmer commoner living in the Cyrodiil city of Anvil. “The last time I remember anything like that was when the Hero of Kvatch took time off from closing demon-filled Oblivion Gates that were threatening to bring about the end of the world, in order to help me a problem I had with the rats in my basement.”

Commander Shepard could not be reached for comment, as she had once again placed her primary mission on hold to share a bottle of brandy with her ship’s doctor.

Comments

  1. Is there a single Volus out there that isn’t a condescending greedy midget? I don’t think so! I bet they look like fat pigs underneath their suits. Little bastards.

  2. Gee Dubs says:

    That’s racist. You racist.

  3. Wards Commoner says:

    I only shop at Commander Shepard’s favorite store on the Citadel – all seven of them. Don’t forget to pick of a scale model of Sovereign, the Reap- oh um, I mean, Geth spaceship that attacked the Citadel!

  4. Hanar Visitor says:

    I don’t know why everyone thinks that Shepard person is so great. She promised to help me get a license to preach on the Presidium. That was over a year ago. Not an email or anything. Even just a quick “Sorry bud, I’m busy breaking a 50,000-year-old cycle of galactic extinction, I’ll be back in a jiff” would be appreciated.

  5. Kalara Tomi says:

    @ Hanar Visitor

    You think that’s bad? She got me a fake ID card to ‘help me out’ when C-Sec wouldn’t let me leave (some dumb reason about me being a ‘potential geth threat’). Told me I’d be able to get through security with the ID, no problem. Yeah right. C-Sec picked me up almost instantly, apparently the forged ID was an “amateur job” that “wouldn’t even have fooled a human”. I had to pay a hefty fine or I faced a few days in a cell, probably with any random criminal they’d picked up off the streets. It could have been a krogan, ugh!
    Thanks Shepard. Jerk.

  6. Sirius Orillion says:

    She? All of the news reports I’ve seen of Commander Shepard placed him as a platinum blond spacer war hero, some kind of paragon of humanity with a thing for Quarian women.

  7. Conrad Verner says:

    I’ve met Shepard! He’s not wimpy a paragon, he’s a total badass! He shoves guns in peoples’ faces, and isn’t afraid of anything!

    And he doesn’t have a thing for quarians! Shepard would never settle for a greedy no good vagabond! He only has eyes for humans!

  8. Shepherd is female now? I think a follow up story is needed, because every picture I have seen of Shepherd has him/her changing gender more often than Abu Hamza gets nosebleeds.

  9. Shepard is definitely a woman, probably an attractive redhead.

    Any reports to the contrary are presumably Geth fabrications.

  10. Elcor Visitor says:

    With barely contained annoyance: Ever since I entered the Citadel from my Homeworld Dekuuna, I have never stopped hearing about this “Commander Shepard”. In nearly every shop that I gone into, her voice would always be there, greeting me. I have seen her running about with a giant, armored Krogan and a Geth; and also hacking into terminals. I don’t know if this is normal Human behavior, but it gets annoying after a while, and I know of a few groups who share my opinions. I have sent an Audio Log to the Citadel Council about this matter, and I hope they address this soon.

    In a weak attempt at humor: Also, I think that the Volus should just calm down about money; and take a breather. Ha Ha Ha.

  11. Barla Von says:

    It’s Voluses like this one that make all species think we are small, penny-pinching Scrooges. In reality, underneath this hard pressure suit is a soft, sensitive soul.

  12. FutileEnd says:

    Well I heard Shephard likes to push people against walls and put guns in heir faces, he even punched that reporter woman! TWICE! I once delivered a package to the Normandy, and she took it and made a comment about my mother.

    On the upside, he had been known to make witty one liners in the face of death and the Galaxy needs more heroes like him.

  13. This one has encountered Shepard during the course of several missions. This one believes Shepard is the kind of Spectre this one is honored to serve with.

    However, this one regrets Shepard’s hesitation when terminating Cerebus agents recently. This one was forced to take extreme measures to solve the problem.

    This one does not have time for that manner of solid waste excretions.

  14. That Shepard’s a bloody hero in my books. I won’t hear a word against him/her!

  15. I totally sympathize with the need to occasionally take a break from saving the world to:

    1) Collect every single audio diary I can find. The stupid jerks on the radio are always bossing me around. The audio diaries never boss me around.

    2) Escort a little Sister to gather more Adam. It’s just what I do.

    3) Explore every nook and cranny to find stashes of exclusive tonics, corpses, secret labs, corpses, roses left for secret admirers, corpses, weapon caches, and corpses.

    4) Kick back and admire the fishies swimming around.

    5) Relax in a nice bath with the Fountain of Youth tonic after a fight.

    6) Spread a message of peace and religious tolerance by drilling to death some butterfly cultists when they get mad at me for interrupting their prayers.

  16. Harbinger says:

    Assuming control of this .

  17. Harbinger says:

    Assuming control of this form. (geddit?)

  18. Jacob Taylor says:

    Revolving minor squabbles here shepard…heavy risk….but the priiiizeeeeee…….

  19. S**t, the journalist sounds like a p***y.

  20. Warchief Shephard sorting out the petty fights between humans?

    Less talking, more killing.

  21. What is with this woman? She stops to help out this quarian for no reward – sounds like a paragon type, right? This is the same Commander Shepard who just walked in to my hospital and beat my pet pyjak to death! Paragon, I think not. It’s like she’s not the same person anymore…

  22. Commander Shepard says:

    I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite post in the First Person Observer. :)

    But seriously, I bet it was that Khalisah Al-Jilani who wrote this article. I should have smacked her in the face years ago.

  23. Ergonomic Cat says:

    I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite story on the Observer.

  24. Brin-Brew says:

    I love you for writing this for a femshep

  25. Liara T'Soni says:

    He or she, doesn’t matter to me!

  26. Hey, you have to take a break from the main plot once and a while. Spending every day flying around fighting overgrown cockroaches is boring, when you can be doing other things, like pumping sniper rounds into hundreds of mercenaries, or forging romantic relationships with your fellow crewmembers. Speaking of which, I didn’t think humans were so… flexible. This interspecies relationship thing might not be so bad after all…

  27. Shepard.

  28. Wrex.

  29. @ Garrus

    Are you insinuating something? ‘Cause I don’t like your tone, mister.

  30. It is good that Shepard does not ignore the smaller instances of injustice. No danger is conceived large; they all start out as insignificant differences. And the same reason that makes us wrangle with a Volus causes a war betwixt Reapers.

  31. Ashley Williams says:

    She?

    Oh fuck. That means I’m dead.

  32. Dr Mordin Solus says:

    Dead? Possibly. On inside? Most definitely. Cerberus operation to fix that? No. Not important enough. My prognosis? Not good.

  33. This story takes me back.

  34. @ Zaeed
    This platform does not understand. Human Zaeed does not possess time travel capabilities, nor does this webpage. Please clarify comment.

    Addendum:

    @ Garrus
    You post suggests romantic entanglement with Shepard-Commander. We are building consensus on whether this fucked up or not.

  35. Ambassador Udina says:

    This is an outrage!

  36. Game Salesman says:

    Hard to believe that this happened only one level below my shop! I saw Shepard that day- she came up to me, I said something about these games I saw at Shin Akiba, and she left, as if she were bored by my somehow familiar words. I then continued to do absolutely nothing indefinitely.

  37. Councillor Anderson says:

    @ Ambassador Udina

    You work for me now Udina!

  38. “Whine WHine Whine Whine Whine”

    Shut up, Carth- Kaiden- Carth, oh your the same person anyways.

  39. Humans talk too much. Like the tank.

Trackbacks

  1. Anonymous says:

    [...] Sidouppdrag och liknande r det allts som jag str mig p. Jag har tidigare pratat om The First-Person Observer, tror jag, om inte s gr jag det nu! Det r en sida som ltsas vara en tidning i ett universum dr alla spel finns. Extremt humoristisk och intressant sida, och den tar upp det hr med sidouppdrag i en text om hur Commander Shepard lter den stora vrldskatastrofen fortstta ett tag till fr att lsa ett litet brk mellan tv aliens. [...]