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Seminar On Improving Doorway Navigation Skills Delayed By Doorway

Brooklyn, New York — Citizens attending a seminar on improving their doorway navigation skills became stuck in the doorway to the community center where the seminar was being held, delaying the proceedings for several hours.

The logjam occurred at 11:00 am this morning, when the door to the community center opened, then shut, then opened, then shut again, trapping several attendees as they attempted to all enter the room at the same time. There was a great deal of bumping, jostling, and walking in place, as well as a number of pleasant greetings, annoyed shouts, and several non sequiturs from citizens involved in the failed attempt to pass to the doorway.

“Pardon me!” one attendee, visiting from City 17, said for the fifth time as he walked in place, slowly turned in a half-circle, stopped, and added “Reload, Dr. Freeman!”

“Let’s get out of here,” whispered a former hostage from Montana, while running in place against a nearby wall.

“Let’s go,” he continued. “Let’s get out of here. Come on, let’s go.”

“Cheesy vaginas!” added one visitor from Liberty City.

“I said come in, don’t stand there,” said a Stalker from Rostok, working as a volunteer at the seminar and attempting to help the crowd make through the doorway. “I said come in, don’t stand there. I said come in, don’t stand there.”

“We’ve hit a bit of a snag, obviously, but I’m definitely pleased at the turnout,” said the seminar’s organizer, taking awkward stutter-steps as he attempted to squeeze through the doorway amid the crowd of attendees. “Walking though doorways quickly and safely continues to be a big issue for a number of people, and that really shows in how many people are in attendance. And in how many of us are stuck in this doorway.”

“In hindsight, we probably should have held the conference outside,” he admitted, before freezing in place and then falling through the solid concrete sidewalk up to his waist.

The seminar has hit similar snags in the past. Originally scheduled for April, its keynote speaker became stuck behind a barrel and two crates in the alley behind the community center, leading to the seminar’s cancellation. The conference planned for May began with a two-hour wait as one presenter repeatedly failed to climb a few steps up to the podium, before finally giving up and standing completely still with his arms outstretched.

Not everyone attending the seminar got stuck outside the auditorium, however.

“Doors have never been a particular problem for me,” said Hafid Hollowleg, a citizen of Cyrodiil, as he approached the door, faded from sight, then rematerialized on the other side.

“Oh, I don’t need the seminar,” he added. “I’m just here to meet people.”


  1. I see far too many common infected struggling with doors every day. Even when they are able to batter them down and run inside, they often change their mind and run back out straight away. I thoroughly support better door education, but the organisation behind these conferences makes me nauseous.

  2. Bob Newbie says:

    You think getting through a door might be tough, but when you’re taking a dump and the only door out of the bathroom disappears, then life has really taken a shit on you. Atleast you get a few simoleons out of it!

  3. Combine Elite says:

    This sounds like a job for the secondary fire on my Pulse Rifle! Prepare for disintegration, door blockers! I hope you enjoy respawning all the way back at the hospital, because good ol’ Mercy Hospital has been taken over by the Infected!

  4. sonofsanta says:

    Surely the problem could be entirely avoided by having everyone outside stand with their backs to the wall facing away from the centre, at which point they would all mysteriously be able to see the wall inside and hear the conference anyway? Such third-person short-sightedness!

  5. I don’t know what people are getting so upset about. Just shoot it! That’s what I do.!

  6. Random Marine says:

    @sonofsanta: Suuuuuuuure, that’s a GREAT idea for you rich third-persons. What about us that CANNOT see things from behind our backs? Should we be ignored? Stupid liberal alien scum!

  7. The Lone Wanderer says:

    Hey you guys have it easy, I’m walking along killing Death claws when a LEVEL 100 LOCKED DOOR turns up. Now obviously this thing is hiding some epic l00t, Maybe even a fatman!

    So Several of my best bobby-pins latter…


  8. Heart of Gold says:

    Could be worse. The doors themselves could be insufferably cheerful, eh?

  9. Alec Mason says:

    Doors? I don’t think I ever used one. They were made obsolete by sledgehammers and explosives long ago.

  10. X-Com agent says:

    Oh, man. I’ve been there. Civilians blocking doors? Happens every damn month. It’s why I’ve started blowing down walls. Gotta love high explosives.

    And, okay, killing the civilians, but only sometimes. Really, they’re asking for it.

  11. Note from gordon says:

    Any door I’ve found is either locked and the only way around is through a tunnel of sludge or it spontaniously shuts three seconds later

  12. J.C. Denton says:

    I love doors! they are very capable of keeping my enemies at bay! One time I shot this UNATCO guy inside the headquarters in New York and ran behind a door.T hey tried to open it, only to be closed by my again. Like many a man, they gave up after about 20 seconds, ignoring their dead recruit. I bet he was a rookie or something.

    Also, @ lone wanderer:
    That must suck! I once spent 4 pick locks on a door (I know, I should have spent some skill points in that!) and I only got a medkit and a biocell! I was packed with those!!


  14. Tiny babyman door no match for my fist!

  15. Bob Page says:

    Laugh while you can, JC! My latest model of door has the frightening ability to crush any prop simply by opening or closing onto it! Say goodbye to your favorite sofa and/or potted plant!

  16. J.C. Denton says:

    Technology once again is the source of power again. I won’t fall for that ventilation shaft fan joke again bob! That was not funny!

  17. B.J. Blazkowicz says:

    We must teach our troops how to properly walk through doorways or else the Nazis will have the upper hand!

    Support our aperture-navigation drive! Buy war bonds!

  18. Civilian #926 says:

    I hear B.J. is so skilled at opening doors, he can open WALLS!

  19. With the Aperture science handheld portal device, the impossible is easy!

  20. Kevin Clamely says:

    I saw many of my children get themselves caught on a door on an icebreaker opened towards a short staircase. They were easy targets for their enemies.

    Even worse, once I got pissed enough to come in and smack one of them down for killing my children, I got myself caught on the same door.

  21. Frank West says:

    Once I was escorting 3 survivors in a zombie infested mall. I got us into a gym to go to the bathroom, and when I was ready to go, i went through the automatic doors. They wouldn’t follow me through even when I broke one of the windows open for them to walk through! WHY!? They should follow and respect me, I’ve covered wars y’know!

  22. Shephard

  23. Commander Shephard says:


  24. Ambassador Udina says:

    They didn’t think to hold this conference outside?

    This is an outrage!

  25. Tom Clancy says:

    A very valuable seminar, thousands of critical counter-terrorist operations worldwide have failed because the entire squad got stuck…

  26. Fruit has no need for doors.

  27. Broccoli says:

    Shut the hell up, Banana.

  28. Doc. Brown says:


    Where we’re going we don’t need doors.

  29. Monarch Butterfly says:

    You think that’s bad? I once saw my mate get killed and trapped in a doorway. I had to endure the decaying remains while the body prevented the door from closing. Some place up in the mountains.

    I hope elephants trample the bearded fuckers who built that door.

  30. That one time a door totally killed my friend Theseus.


  31. Doomguy says:

    You’d think you could just punch or blast them open with a double-barreled shotgun, or god forbid, a BFG-9000. Those son of a bitches withstand anything. What the hell are they made out of?

  32. another Doomguy says:

    Even we Doomguys got stuck in doorway and tunnels. Especially teammates are far from smooth doorcrossing.

  33. Leon the Black Guy says:

    @First Doomguy: All doors I’ve ever encountered are made of solid, rock-hard wood. Those bastards are IMPOSSIBLE to breach!

  34. Frank West says:

    You can’t break down doors unless you’re in a war zone. I should know, I’ve covered wars y’know.

  35. Use the remove tool!

  36. Frank West says:

    … The what now? Is that some sort of mega buster?

  37. It’s a tool that removes stuff.

    (Haven’t you ever played Garrys Mod? I highly recommend you do. It’s awesome fun.)

  38. Frank West says:

    Well sure but I’m a little busy helping people who aren’t zombies to safety. This laptop I’m using can play games though. On a side note, are you the real garry newman?

  39. Note from gordon says:

    shout the word “noclip” that helps. wierd

  40. Frank West says:

    How would you know, from what I’ve heard you can’t even talk. Don’t forget to reload Dr. Freeman!… What just happened?

  41. Dr. HAX says:


  42. Francis says:

    I hate doors.

  43. Paul Denton says:

    Just remember JC.

    A non lethal door opening is always the most silent door opening!

  44. Shut up Francis

  45. func_areaportal says:

    @Garry Newman: If I happen to be hiding inside said door, then you have to mess around with ent_fire.

  46. Well, anything to do with ent_fire is fun. And no, Frank, I’m not the real Garry – I just felt like making a gmod reference. He’s the only person I could use. I should probably not use his name actually, seeing as he’s a real person and all.

  47. Frank West says:

    Okay. And if you need help with fire we have a guy here with a lot of molotov cocktails. But if you want them you’re going to have to rescue us… All 51 of us.

  48. Frank West says:

    And it’s not like garry’s ever going to visit these comments, so it’ll probably be fine if you use it.

  49. Yeah, I just felt like posting. If I want to post again here I’ll probably use one of the other names I’ve used here, like Banana (yeah, that was me).

    And yeah, molotovs are always good.

  50. Terminal53 says:

    “In hindsight, we probably should have held the conference outside,” ROFLMAO

    As a purely digital entity I have no need for your doors. I once accessed ports of another named SHODAN whom had some use for them.

    However sole use of those amongst other creative manipulation did not prevent that ones demise.
    Perhaps there is a backup program somewhere that might one day reboot her

  51. Urist McDorf says:

    How about a nice drawbridge?
    Strike the earth!

  52. Headcrab Zombie says:

    Mmgrg! Yabba my icing!

  53. Guard #42 says:

    Doors have always been sort of a problem for me, as well as walls, sometimes it just seems like I could get where I want to faster by like…phasing through the wall or something, like that guy from Cyrodiil, but running into it just makes me tired..:(

    I mean, I almost just wish I coul- *Large explosion*
    What was that noise? Hold up, I’ll be right back. *Comes back*
    Didn’t see anyone, must’ve been the wind. Anyways…where was I?

  54. ihranator says:

    Update FPS goddamn

  55. Nonomu198 says:

    We all know FPS is dead.

  56. Gordon Freeman says:

  57. jvempire says:

    What about all the residents of Willamette?

  58. Gordon Freeman says:

    *reloads crowbar*

  59. Leon S. Kennedy says:

    Geez. even zombies can open doors. At least, the ones I face.

  60. Doors are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them.

  61. Qui Gon Jinn says:

    Doors open, let’s go.


  1. Anonymous says:

    […] Lastly, a pair of posts to put a knowing smile on your dial from the First Person Observer, which is reporting on a curious case wherein an ‘Assassin Experiences Ancestor’s Memories, Connection Problems’. Also a completely unrelated story, apparently this week a ‘Seminar On Improving Doorway Navigation Skills Delayed By Doorway’. […]