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Apocalypse Survivor Irritated By Helpful Companions

Savannah, Georgia — In the filthy, body-strewn streets of Savannah, Georgia, one survivor of the apocalyptic pandemic repeatedly complained that his three companions were helping him too much. “Stop shooting!” a survivor known only as “Coach” yelled at his three baffled companions, who were trying to save his life from hordes of rampaging infected humans. “I need melee kills!”

He chastised his fellow survivors a moment later for shooting down a Spitter, a type of infected who expels streams of burning acid from her gaping maw. “Aw, goddamn it! I needed to kill her before she spat!” He hit one of his companions with the fire axe he was wielding. “Thanks a lot, idiot!”

“Everything out of his mouth is a complaint about how we’re interfering with him,” said one of his companions, a former mechanic named Ellis. “Don’t shoot that clown zombie, I need to honk his nose. Don’t heal me, I’m trying to make it without using health kits. It’s like he wishes we weren’t even here with him.”

“Until he gets ridden by a Jockey or dragged by a Smoker,” added Ellis. “Then we apparently can’t help him quickly enough.”

“It’s like he has a series of tasks he’s trying to achieve, and nothing else matters,” another survivor named Rochelle noted. “For some reason, he desperately needs to decapitate thirteen more infected, and heaven help you if you shoot the one he’s got his eye on. He even yelled at me for picking up a vial of Boomer puke off an infected [Civil Emergency and Defense Agency] guy he’d killed, like that was something else on his imaginary list he needed to do.”

“I thought Coach was supposed to be this sort of sage, big-hearted guy, a voice of reason, a natural leader who would band our small group of misfits together,” she added. “But he’s kind of an immature jerk.”

“One time he left me there, incapacitated, after I got hit by a Charger,” said the fourth member of the group, a wry con-man named Nick. “He ran around looking for a shot of adrenaline to inject himself with before helping me up. I don’t know why he feels such a need to accomplish these weird, arbitrary tasks. Most of them have nothing to do with surviving this nightmare, and they don’t contribute to our mutual goal of being rescued.”

“Yesterday, he even insisted on carry a fucking garden gnome with him at all times for some reason,” he said bitterly. “I just know he’s going to get us all killed. And when he does, he’ll probably claim it was our fault.”

Comments

  1. Gardening gnome? I think I saw Gordon lugging one of those around as well….

  2. First!

    Awww, dang-it Barney, I still need to be First on some comment section, ugh.

  3. He shouted at me and my friends Louis and Francis. He said we were dicks for letting my friend bill die, which was odd. We never told him his name was bill.

  4. I helped them get to New Orleans, and they left without even saying thanks.

    They sure are rude.

  5. That’s not the worst he’s done. Once he just watched one of his companion die, when he could’ve just put him back on his feet. Just so he could use on defibrillator on the poor guy. And he seemed pretty happy with that! This guy is a sociopath!

  6. Helicopter Pilot says:

    Atleast they didn’t shoot you like some other survivors around here…

  7. Helicopter Pilot says:

    Atleast they didn’t shoot you. I was flying this helicopter with a bunch of survivors from a hospital when I had a asthma attack and the first thing they did was to shoot me in the FACE! Rudest survivors ever!

  8. Billy Gibbs Jr. says:

    These DICKS stole my fucking car! I had finally finished gathering up gas to fill the thing up with to bust out of a mall, and what do they do? Bust in – attracting TONS of zombies with them – and steal them all, then use MY CAR to save THEIR ASSES. I guess that’s what I get for trying to save my OWN ass for once.

    If I see these ASSHOLES ever again I’m gonna hit ‘em so hard Billy Gibbs Sr.’ll feel it! Rest his soul…

  9. It’s Jimmy Gibbs Jr., not Billy. Just, y’know, FYI.

  10. Jimmy Gibbs Jr. is dead, duh.

    Billy is not.

    Que ipso facto, this is Billy.

  11. RAWRAWRAWRAWRWAAWRAWRA RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRR RAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRR AWWRAAARRRRRRRRRRRR *Beats Chest* RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW

    *Google Automatic Translation*
    FAT MAN FIGHT TANK ALONE. TASTE LIKE CHEESEBURGER.

  12. Gnome Chompski says:

    Hey I needed a lift you fat bastard coach

  13. Pills?

  14. Think that’s bad? I was fucking stuck in the same
    city for less than a year and now I’m fucking dead? Someone care to explain?

    Zoe?
    Francis?
    Louis?

  15. Shit.

    Bill’s a damn vampire. Have I mentioned how much I hate vampires?

  16. Frank West says:

    Jeez… He kept asking me to take his photo. Like I’ve got film to waste. I’m going back to the mall to see if that damn chopper is back yet.

  17. Clown Infected says:

    I was just doing my job: chasing after any living human, attract a small horde and eat their flesh. And sure enough this guy was at the carnival. He was holding that goddamn gnome while his team covered his sorry ass. He was too busy playing the carnival games! By the time he noticed me, he didn’t even kill me. He just punched me in the face about ten times! I know that I am on the other team, but I hope that those survivors can get a better teammate.

  18. Clown Infected says:

    I was just doing my job: chasing after any living human, attract a small horde and eat their flesh. And sure enough this guy was at the carnival. He was holding that goddamn gnome while his team covered his sorry ass. He was too busy playing the carnival games! By the time he noticed me, he didn’t even kill me. He just punched me in the face about ten times! I know that I am on the other team, but I hope that those survivors can get a better teammate.

  19. Clown Infected says:

    Damn! Double post. It’s because of all this damn blood on the keyboard. It gets the keys all sticky.

  20. Chicago Ted says:

    I’ve got 99999999999999999999999999999 melee kills.

  21. …but a bitch ain’t one?

  22. Is just like medic who keep ubering scout when battle start. He ignore beautiful noise of Sasha and sends his miraculous healing to tiny loud man. He say something about feeling a little prick.

  23. Speaking as a respected member of the Zombie community, this is becoming all too common nowadays. I can remember, back as a zombie child, I was once killed by the great Jill Valentine- that’s right, the master of unlocking herself! Back then, people put time and effort into each kill, like every one was a personal work of art. I was proud to fall at jill’s feet that day, because I knew I had been killed with grace and passion.

    Nowadays, we’re simply mowed down in giant hordes- no respect! No dignity! And now, survivors like this man here just make a mokery of the whole process with their wretched garden gnomes. Time was, I could die with dignity. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s even worth the trouble of rising out of the grave anymore, if this is the welcome I get.

  24. Speaking as a respected member of the Zombie community, this is becoming all too common nowadays. I can remember, back as a zombie child, I was once killed by the great Jill Valentine- that’s right, the master of unlocking herself! Back then, people put time and effort into each kill, like every one was a personal work of art. I was proud to fall at jill’s feet that day, because I knew I had been killed with grace and passion.

    Nowadays, we’re simply mowed down in giant hordes- no respect! No dignity! And now, survivors like this man here just make a mokery of the whole process with their wretched garden gnomes. The time when a gentlemen of Infection could die with dignity is long passed. Now, we’re nothing but Common to them.

    I’m beginning to wonder if it’s even worth the trouble of rising out of the grave again anymore.

  25. Mpphhh mphh mphhhh mphhh mhh!

    Mrh hrt hr nha phrnt yrh mrprph, egh yrgh mghma mmmphya harrgh mrgha hrghgph!
    MMphn frphha herrpha!

  26. I wonder why we never thought of using axes to slay zombies. I feel silly for using a pistol on a 20-zombie horde

  27. Gordon Freeman says:

    …….

  28. Kadorhal says:

    You’re totally right, all these crowbars that are suddenly showing up in places I never saw them before certainly are helpful.

    I wonder why the baseball bats are suddenly hard to find, though. Used to be you could find hundreds of the things, and picking one up would cause another to show up out of nowhere and take its place.

  29. Engineer says:

    Dang, I’ve seen enough of this kinda crap to last me a few lifetimes. Every other member of my team got their mitts on some purdy lookin’ weapons, and ever since then they’ve been goin’ on about how “You go get shot so I can heal ya!” or “Wait! Ignore that spah! I gotta light him on fire!” Hell, one time I even had an enemy scout walk up to me and demand that I build him half a teleporter so he could blow it up. Well, needless to say, he got a face fulla buckshot for his troubles.

    I got stuff to build, dammit! I got no time to help you high and mighty bastards out with your pointless time-wastin’. You think those are achievements? I once held a capture point for twenty minutes with one sentry, and I killed every one of the damn spahs Blu sent at me. That’s a doggone achievement.

    Hoo, I got a little hot around the goggles writin’ that one. Well, I sympathize, fellas. I wouldn’t mind some fine new weapons myself, but they seem to have some undesirable side effects.

  30. Hunter says:

    Pshh, you guys have it easy. You, Spitter, at least you don’t get shoved as you’re trying to hug some people.

    I mean, seriously. I don’t want to KILL you, I want to just surprise hug you.

    You never wait ’till the end. I mean, I claw at you ’till you die, but AFTER that, I hug you.

    But nooooooo. Instead you brutally push me off with the butt of your gun.

    Doesn’t anyone need a hug in this stupid apocalypse?

  31. note from Gordon says:

    try going through a destroyed city using only one bullet. I did

  32. For some reason, I really feel the urge to bang one of my subordinates. Don’t get me wrong, all I really care for is saving the galaxy (that and, erm, helping a a volus find his lost credit chit), I don’t find any of my teammates attractive in the least (seriously, half of them are aliens and/or the opposite sex, ugh). And yet, something just pushes me to pursue relationships with my shipmates! As if some shiny badge would pop in my cabin whenever I complete said pursuit.

    I mean, I can get it, that Coach character must’ve surely had way too much chocolate, shots of adrenaline and pain pills, but why am I acting like this!

    PS: I bought a hamster the other day. I just looked at him, I think he gave me a… a knowing smile. Shit, brb medical deck.

  33. Legion says:

    @ Shepard Commander

    Your continued interest in reproduction with incompatible species is worrisome. We are building a consensus on whether an intervention is needed.

  34. Francis says:

    I hate those people! One of my pals got killed right by a bridge ’cause he had the same problem.

  35. Ass clown!

  36. @Hunter

    I don’t mind hugs honestly, as long as my lungs stay in my chest I’ll deal with death for hugs!

    @Upper-Class Infected

    Awww *hug* I tend to avoid most infected though, they are people too and need to be respected

    @Helicopter pilot

    That sounds awful, just having a coughing fit and be accused of turning, it’s not like you turned into a infected or anything, I wouldn’t of shot you.

    @Pyro

    *hugs*

    @Heavy

    Yeah, the loud annoying man is annoying.

    @Gnome Chompski

    yay gnomes!

  37. Vortigaunt says:

    The freeman once spent many hours searching for antlion grubs.

    He claimed he had missed one.

    The Alyx Vance died of her wounds.

  38. Pills here! PILLS HERE! *points frantically!*

  39. Sam Fisher says:

    Of course, a person with my sort of skills, weapons, and brains wouldn’t even bother with team mates. Just give me a Five-seveN, some all purpose goggles and of course my other numerous gadgets, and I could find my way through fine.

    P.s. I would also be to stealthly for any zombie…

    P.s. My weapons are all upgraded, so I don’t care want kind of zombie you are. ONE SHOT TO THE HEAD… AND YOU ARE FREAKING DEAD!!!

  40. meu parabns pelo teu blog. Est muito bem elaborado, com informao muito til e com um layout muito agradavel.

  41. The Director says:

    It’s people like this that make me create all these zombies.

  42. Frank West says:

    You guys have guns? I do too but they’re so hard to find ammo for.

  43. Frank West says:

    Mostly because these damn psychopaths won’t stop getting in my way. I wish I had to deal with special infected and not them. I mean, they’re human, and they soak up bullets like a kevlar vest! They should just die seeing me, I’ve covered wars y’know!

  44. Actually Virgil, we did say thanks. Remember coach said “Thanks Virgil. Now you stay safe brother.

  45. Crazy Dave says:

    You know what can fight those zombies off? Plants.

  46. Alyx Vance says:

    On the way to White Forest, Gordon kept looking for these supply caches, wasting an incredible amount of time. When I tried convincing him to hurry up, he just stared at me.
    Then, when we got to White Forest, he dumped a gnome he had been carrying the whole time into the rocket. Honestly, sometimes I don’t think I even know the guy.

  47. SKYPET ?? ?? ???? GPS ?? ? ???? ????? ?? ? ?????????????????????????,??? ?? ????????,????????skypet??.

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