Elite Soldier Accidentally Fires Rocket, Injures Self

Dushanbe, Tajikistan — A highly trained U.S. military commando reported injuring himself this morning while on a dangerous covert mission that has become a race against time itself. The incident occurred when the commando inadvertently fired a missile that exploded in his vicinity, badly wounding him.

“It was an accident,” the commando explained. “I thought I was holding my binoculars but it turned out I was holding my missile launcher.”

Covered in blood and riddled with shrapnel, the covert agent, who had become separated from his squad late last night when their transport plane was shot down, described the incident.

“Well, I wanted to take out my binoculars to have a look at the enemy base over there. So, I was cycling through all my weapons, really quickly,” the lone-wolf military veteran explained. “You know, taking out my pistol, putting it away, taking out my shotgun, putting it away, taking out my [sub-machine gun], putting it away. I thought I’d gotten all the way to my binoculars, but I guess I stopped on my rocket launcher, which I always take out just prior to taking out my binoculars.”

Believing he was holding his high-tech. lightweight binoculars and not his 38 pound FGM-148 Javelin guided missile launcher, he quickly depressed what he thought was the button that would activate the 18x magnification zoom feature of his digital spyglass.

Instead of getting a close-up look at the distant enemy military base, however, he was surprised to find he had in fact fired a missile. The missile immediately collided with the waist-high stone wall he’d been taking cover behind, and exploded. The explosion severely injured the black-ops commando, who had been appointed to his mission by none other than the President of the United States himself in a desperate, zero-hour gambit to prevent a nuclear holocaust. Shrapnel tore through the commando’s body-armor and flesh, nearly killing him.

“It’s not a huge deal,” the gruff operative said. ” If I just wait five, maybe ten seconds, I’ll fully recover from my injuries. My breathing will return to normal, those blood-spatters on my eyeballs will fade, my heartbeat will stop throbbing in my ears. It just sucks because that was my last rocket and I’m pretty sure there’s a helicopter that comes out when I get near that base.”

He paused, already looking healthier. “Sometimes I do something similar when I’m in a rush. Like, I’ll mean to open an ammo crate but instead I’ll turn on my flashlight. Last night, I had stolen this jeep and was driving at top speed through a village. I meant to pull out my map to see where I was, but instead I accidentally jumped out of the jeep. Dove right into the street, at about seventy miles an hour. Man, that hurt.”

He laughed, seeming to possess fond memories of the incident that had resulted in two bystanders being killed by the out-of-control jeep. “I had to go all the way back to the middle of the village to attempt my daring, high-speed escape again, too,” he said, shaking his head.

“Mainly, I just feel a little stupid about mistaking the zoom function on my binoculars for the launch trigger on my enormous shoulder-mounted laser-guided anti-tank weapon. ”

“But hey,” the lone hope for the free world added. “It happens to the best of us.”


  1. What game is this? I can’t tell from the picture nor the description.

  2. Observer Staff says:

    Martin J:

    Due to the top-secret nature of the mission mentioned in the article, The Observer was asked not to reveal certain classified details in the article. We suggest you think of it as a situation any elite soldier might find himself in, in any number of combat scenarios.

    Thank you.

  3. This article is clearly outdated. As anyone with a basic knowledge of modern military tactics is aware, highly trained military operatives are incapable of carrying more than two firearms at a time- the only exception being cases where they have obtained two completely identical firearms, in which case military doctrine states that they may hold one in each hand like a real pimp gangsta.

  4. Chris Damone says:

    Similar thing happened to me during a covert operation to overthrow a corrupt government official. I had my nightvision goggles on, so I couldn’t see my hands. I thought I was holding my sniper rifle, but it was actually my rocket launcher. You know how it is, sniper rifles and rocket launchers having near same distinctive features.

    I pulled the trigger, and the rocket immediately collided with a light pole that was nearby.

    Luckily, my superiors let me off with stern words and an F grade for my mission report.

  5. pcgneurotic says:

    oh God, this one made me laugh out loud, almost choked on my beer. Awesome! :D

  6. Fybo Grubbyfoot says:

    It’s too true that this can happen to anyone, and high explasoves are not even the issue. I myself, while clearing an infestation of improbably large spiders from a poorly maintained crypt, attempted to gather some of the dust I found. I Should point out that I have a friend who collects dust, in bundles of 3 dust, who had promised me some useless junk in exchange; I am not some dust freak! Anyway, instead of simply leaning down and gathering exactly one dust, as I had the past three times I’d been to this particular crypt, I started chanting the elaborate and eldrich rites (along with complex hand gestures and expending some magic dust without actually withdrawing it from bu invisible backpack of course) to bend space and time in my favor, nay tear the very fabric of the world and weave it anew, as is my wont. Long story short that was my last magic missile and the spiders ate my leg. Something should be done.

  7. smorgasbord says:

    I suffer with a similar embarrassing problem sadly. I’m a nice guy yknow, saving the world and all that. But sometimes when I walk up to someone, instead of talking to them I accidentally punch them in the face. I try to explain that I pressed the wrong button but people just don’t understand. I was only looking for a friendly conversation and now everyone hates me :( I even did it to my mother-in-law….which was totally an accident

  8. That’s not as bad as the time I mixed up the plasmids I was trying to use. Jack has it easy: he only uses a single gun or plasmid at a time, because he doesn’t have to fight so many damn splicers.

    Me: I NEED to double-wield plasmids and weapons simultaneously because I need to defend my girls from mobs of splicers when they’re gathering Adam for me. As a result, while I’m juggling my weapons around in my right hand trying to find the correct one, I sometimes forget I use my other hand for changing plasmids. Let me tell you: Big Daddies do not react to Fire 2 the same way as Hypnosis 3.

    Then there was the time I meant to rescue a Little Sister but forgot which was the correct mental “button” to press. Eleanor was not too pleased with me…

  9. Wizard Bobby Carlson says:

    By the Nine Divines! This article reminds me of an incident that occurred the other day: I was minding my own business, scooping some bread into my mouth over and over while standing, when all of a sudden a Scamp appears! Naturally, I cast a fire spell without realising that it was an area of effect spell and not a simple, contained blast!
    In Akatosh’s name, I was swept across the room, my eyebrows singed and my workplace ruined! Not to mention my bread, which I will no longer be able to scoop endlessly into my mouth until tonight when I go to the inn.

  10. Hah, what a prick. Prick doesn’t know how the handle a damn gun. Damn prick.

  11. Highly trained? Bullshit. You’re lucky if you get 15 minutes of training before you get tossed into hectic combat. Most military forces I end up with nowadays are quite content with handing you all sorts of deadly equipment with the most basic instructions on how to use them.

    And worst of all, a lot of training can’t be applied from military to military! You’ll get shoved into a different campaign only to find that for some reason all the weapons work differently! Especially the grenades. Every time I end up with a different unit, they force me to learn a new way of throwing them, which results in many being tossed into uncomfortably close objects until I get the hang of it. It’s like I don’t have control over my own damn arms! Completely ridiculous. Why is there not some standardized grenade throwing technique? Thousands of friendly fire incidents would be prevented.

  12. Solid Snake says:

    Basic instructions only? I’m interested.

  13. i think thats MAG

  14. BLU Soldier says:

    How could you make a mistake like that, soldier?
    You are all worthless maggots!