World

Report: One in Four Children Born With Ability To Slow Down Time

A shocking report was released today by medical researchers working at the Mount Sinai Medical Center’s Bullet-Time Research and Treatment Division, stating that as many as one in four children today are being born with the ability to temporarily slow down time.

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World

Health Pack Reform Divides Nation

Proposal includes provisions to provide free health packs not just to lone heroes on world-saving missions, but also to average citizens such as taxi drivers, bartenders, merchants, prostitutes, farmers, security guards, helicopter pilots, priests, and even scientists who stand around forever fiddling with some vague bit of technical equipment without ever actually fixing or activating it.

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Local

Elite Soldier Accidentally Fires Rocket, Injures Self

“It was an accident,” the commando admits. “I thought I was holding my binoculars but it turned out I was holding my missile launcher.”

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