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Report: One in Four Children Born With Ability To Slow Down Time

Mount Sinai Medical Center, New York — A shocking report was released today by medical researchers working at the Mount Sinai Medical Center’s Bullet-Time Research and Treatment Division, stating that as many as one in four children today are being born with the ability to temporarily slow down time.

“We didn’t expect these numbers,” said Dr. John Anderson, chief researcher of the phenomenon, concluding the five year study. “Frankly, no one did.”

While it has been generally accepted that the ability was becoming more widespread in recent years, particularly among gun-toting vigilantes, high-tech super-soldiers, and Old West renegades, the report still stunned the medical community and the public at large. Dr. Anderson explained the reason it has been difficult to present accurate data until now.

“The problem is, this ability to manipulate the time-stream has been called many, many different things in the past, and in the future as well. Bullet-Time, Matrix-Time, Heightened Reflexes, Adrenaline Rush, Focus Mode, Force Speed… the list goes on and on.”

Dr. Anderson proceeded to go on and on. “Exceeding Sense, The Speedbreaker, Warp Time, Double Haste, Impact Time… I think that’s most of them.”

“That’s precisely why it’s been so difficult to diagnose in both children and adults. But once we started looking at all of these abilities as the same syndrome, we realized it was far more widespread than we initially thought.”

The rise in the number of adults and children with the supernatural ability has caused a great deal of concern for friends and family of the afflicted. “I think everyone probably has a friend or a co-worker or a weird uncle who can slow down time,” said Mildred Payne, whose son was diagnosed with the ability in early adulthood. “But when it’s your own child, it’s a little disturbing. Don’t get me wrong. I love and support my son, and accept him as for who he is. It’s not a choice, he was just born that way. I know that. But it’s still hard not to worry.”

Possessing the ability to slow down time might not be a bad thing, Dr. Anderson was quick to point out. “Look at is this way. There have been mechanical devices specifically designed to give the bearer a similar ability, such as the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System, or V.A.T.S., which indicates, in my mind, that being born with such a talent is a blessing, not a curse.”

“People afflicted with Bullet-Time can lead happy, fulfilling lives,” the doctor continued. “Maybe even happier than most. I mean, with Bullet-Time it’s much easier to pump round after round of white-hot lead into the heads of attacking mutants, clone soldiers, or enemy aliens with deadly accuracy. I could definitely see that coming in handy.”

Comments

  1. I find it unsuprising. Two of my three children have Syndrome of slowdown, It’s in the family you see.

  2. Apparently, the leaders of early Civilisations were so well endowed with this ability, they could stop time entirely while writing out orders for their armies and colonists. It took so much effort that it’d knock them out for a whole week.

  3. Sure, temporal slowdown is fine on the battlefield, but I’ve worked alongside a couple of surgeons trying to use their ghastly affliction to ‘help people’. Seriously, I understand that they want to help, but until we understand this condition more I’m not sure we can trust things like this “Healing Touch” in such critical and delicate roles.

  4. Sirius Orillion says:

    Remember that bullet time can have varying degrees of use. I once saw a young Asian Runner on top of my office building use her Runner Speed, trying to dispatch three corrupt-to-the-core SWAT team members without firing a shot at anyone, and as she stood there waiting for the gun to glow red so she could disarm it, the other two cops shot her a half dozen times. I watched her repeat this strategy three or four times before she just decided to do what she did on the rest of the city’s police force and run to build up momentum, then jump-kick the offending cops square in the jaw, one after another.

    What I’m trying to say is, don’t go believing that bullet time is a blessing or a curse by default, because I think it all depends on what achievements you want to unlock and what your mission objectives are.

  5. Dang, I think i got this. Aren’t they working on a cure?

  6. As odd as this tendency towards chronal manipulation is, I find another trend more alarming when studying futuristic supersoldiers.

    Apparently, Donald “Duke” J Nukem had a more notable effect on the gene pool for military service than previously anticipated. Futuristic counterterrorists, soldiers, and mercenaries have demonstrated an alarming aptitude for carrying unholy amounts of armament at a time, a trait that was previously assumed to require specialized equipment.

    Studies of US soldier BJ Blazkowicz, however found a rare mutation allowing multiple weapons to naturally be carried at once, a recessive trait found in few modern day operatives.

    However, given how many commandos from the future are capable of this, we must assume it is a growing, silent epidemic.

  7. Shepherd says:

    It’s getting worse. Not only are those in the military service growing the alarming ability to carry ridiculous amounts of weaponry, so are scientists. One “Gordon Freeman” was reportedly able to carry fourteen different types of weaponry, among them an RPG, an assault rifle, the SPAS 12 (a notoriously heavy weapon), and a limitless supply of pheropods. Which raises the question of another possible serious medical question: Where were these pheropods coming from?

  8. Fortunately, future science suggests a solution.

    A noted super-soldier referred to only as “John” was the subject of a prototype cure for the symptoms above mentioned, and it seems to have worked well enough to reach wide distribution.

    However, side effects include the ability to flip tanks with your bare hands. It’s a trade off.

  9. Ha! I remember my old commander doing that, back in 1997, in the far distant future. Course, folks was tougher back then, partially ‘cos of the transfer of consciousness into machine bodies, but mostly ‘cos of ol’ fashioned grit. You dint have none of this complainin’ bout mutation, you just tried not to rust, an; if the boss wanted to press – 10 times, then by golly that was his perogitive. ‘Tweren’t just us neither, the sepradist scum would slow down to match pace too, but then there was respect back then/will be respect once we switch to robot bodies. Course now they gots the fleshbags running the show again, I says to ‘em, I says all you need is a coupla ponds o’ brain junk, but no, shifting political climate they says, lower impact of conciousness-based narrative they says, and here I am, supposed to build there doohickeys and gettin’ about on wheels. Wheels! And me amphibious! I says what about floatin’, do they care? Do they bugger. An’ me a veteran too. A sad day for whatever we’re callin’ ourselves nowadays. What was I talking about?

  10. Few people realise the profound effect these temporal afflictions can have on the social and emotional lives of their victims. My friend Tim broke up with his girlfriend over this. He went into a depressive spiral which exacerbated his condition and led to all manner of temporal distortions until he ended up living his whole life in reverse.

  11. Honestly, I have no idea.

    My experience with cybernetics is generally limited. I mean, sure, I did some M-IV so’s I could dual wield shotguns back in the day. Who didn’t?

    But then it lead to aliens blowing up the sun, and weird hallucinations, and I think Jones became god for a bit, and the whole thing ended when the computer wouldn’t open the doors anymore or something.

    So, I don’t remember much about cybernetics, but I figure it’s probably a bad idea.

  12. FutileEnd says:

    In the upside, I am NEVER late for work, and that is a Godsend in my line of work (Detective in the NYPD), although a colleauge of mine, one Detectuve Payne, he went off the edge, last I heard he was shooting up the subway system in slow motion.

  13. My friends third cousins dogs previous owner could slow down time. She kept telling us to pull her finger, then she would burp in slow motion. It was kinda creepy.

  14. I’m more concerned with the number of children who walk around drinking blood from corpses without an escort. I don’t care if they are nigh-indestructible, the streets just aren’t a safe place for kids to wander around extracting fluids from dead people without adult supervision!

  15. It seems this ability emerges in times of need, such as the lawlessness of the wild west, or the combat zones of today and the future.

  16. I don’t buy it.

    I think the government has something to do with it.

    Many claim the government tried to mind control citizens with LSD, but that’s just bogus. However, I can certainly see the government putting chronotoms into the water supply, which then get passed onto the children.

    Why they would do this will never make sense to me. I don’t see any practical uses for it aside from always being on time, and shooting multiple people in the face before they have time to react. I think it’s a waste of taxpayers money.

  17. It’s important to consider the applications this syndrome could have in fields like medicine. I’ve heard of a program to induce it in surgeons so that they can better cure super-viruses, or stab people with scalpels should the need arise. I’m sure this will be a great benefit to society and have no problems whatsoever.

  18. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR LIVING AGAINST NATURE not along with it, it is OBVIOUSLY a result of modern way of living, I am vegetarian and vegan and I know MANY people who are vegetarian too and NONE OF THEM ever had this ability, WAKE UP PEOPLE and stop destroying yourselves!!!

  19. Robin Datta says:

    Kefitzat Haderech:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kefitzat_Haderech

    In effect, the same as stopping time.

  20. Christopher says:

    For those people who don’t have this ability I am sure will not fully understand what it is like. Anyone outside the time stream of a person slowing down time will not see or experience the time distortion. Neither will they be able to see the person who is slip streaming until back in sync with normal time. I find this article exciting. I know that back in my teens in the 70s discovered my ability slow down time purely by accident in a life threatening situation and it saved my life.

    The only thing that bothers me is how some people view the ability as an affliction, it’s not.

  21. John Freeman says:

    Yes this is all fine and nice, but nobody ever seems to talk about Infinite Carry Syndrome (ICS), which gives the ability to carry seemingly infinite items in a space invisible to the naked eye. I cannot WAIT until these “scientists” stop worrying about “who ate all the donuts?” or “why do we have to wear these ties?” and get some actual work done. My brother showed me where he works, and I swear he is the only one that gets anything done! They just scold him for being 30 minutes late, which would have been avoided if SOMEONE got off their lazy ass and fixed the tram. There seriously needs to be a report on that facility.

  22. There was, but the guy who wrote it is a suspect in a kidnapping.

    I’ve known a few people with ICS. They were all pretty decent people; one in particular had a really sweet hat and trenchcoat, but for some reason people in full-body robes kept shouting gibberish and shooting old Tommy guns at him. He also once told me he really hated mimes, but he never said why.

  23. Lone Wanderer says:

    Slow down time? Meh.

    Stop time to take aim? Booyah.

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