The World of Goo Corporation is being heavily criticized for what some are calling lackluster efforts to contain a massive Goo spill that is threatening the environment, and possibly even the internet.
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World
Millions Of Farmers Cited For Overcrowding, Neglect of Livestock
Animal rights activists gathered today to protest against millions of farmers, citing dangerously overcrowded farms and inhumane living conditions for livestock and other animals.
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Local
Test Subject Thinks Portal Gun Makes Her Ass Look Big
A female test subject, freshly awakened from a relaxation vault in a secret underground laboratory, has begun to wonder if the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device she is testing makes her ass look big.
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Local
Gotham’s Legendary Crime-Fighter Gradually Learns to Fight Crime
Legendary Gotham City crime-fighter Batman, after years of vigilante service combating thugs, monsters, and super villains, gradually learned a number of basic crime-fighting moves while dealing with the Joker’s recent takeover of Arkham Asylum.
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World
Exploration, Puzzle-Solving Teaches Kids Non-Violence, Alarmed Parents Say
As word spreads of the adventures of quirky, charming, non-violent adventurers using puzzle-solving and exploration to cope with their problems, parents are growing more and more concerned that today’s children are learning that non-violence is an option.
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Local
No Sign Of Caucasian Assassin At Party, Chilean Guards Report
Three members of an all-Chilean bodyguard detail tasked with protecting Don Fernando Delgado and his son, Manuel, have reported seeing no sign of a deadly Caucasian assassin who may be attempting to infiltrate their ranks.
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Local
Control Point Seriously Needs Capturing, Soldier Points Out To Guys
In the midst of a hotly contested battle to capture a control point, a soldier for the Builders League United (BLU) announced to several guys that they needed to capture the control point. Seriously.
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Opinion
Keep Government Hands Off Our Swarms of Personal Attack Bees
Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? To the fruits of his labors? To the stinging swarms of his army of personal attack bees?
By Andrew Ryan, founder of Rapture
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Local
Adventurer Finds Killing Mole Rats Makes Him A Better Lockpick
A former vault-dweller known only as the Lone Wanderer was both pleased and perplexed to discover that killing mutated mole rats with a baseball bat has somehow made him better at picking locks.
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