World

Health Pack Reform Divides Nation

Proposal includes provisions to provide free health packs not just to lone heroes on world-saving missions, but also to average citizens such as taxi drivers, bartenders, merchants, prostitutes, farmers, security guards, helicopter pilots, priests, and even scientists who stand around forever fiddling with some vague bit of technical equipment without ever actually fixing or activating it.

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Local

Hostages Rescued By Courageous Racist

After a daring daylight raid on a small town in the Matera Province of Italy, four employees of DSB Computer Solutions expressed joy and relief for having been freed from the clutches of their terrorist captors, as well as admitting a great deal of discomfort about the nature of one of their rescuers, an outspoken racist.

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Lifestyle

Sim’s Huge, Spacious Home Detrimentally Huge, Spacious

Sim Citizen Stiles McGraw, after saving for years to afford his huge, cavernous dream home, was dismayed to discover that his new house is so vast and spacious that it’s destroying his lifestyle.

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Local

Elite Soldier Accidentally Fires Rocket, Injures Self

“It was an accident,” the commando admits. “I thought I was holding my binoculars but it turned out I was holding my missile launcher.”

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