Local

Engineer Sure Wishes He Could See His Spine-Mounted Health Meter

deadspace

“Who designed this stupid spacesuit?” asked Isaac Clarke, a systems engineer, while whirling around and craning his neck in an effort to view his own back. “They built the health meter on the spine? Really? On the spine? Who is this supposed to be useful for, someone standing behind me?”

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World

Jobwatch: Marauding Demons Face An Uncertain Future

dragonage

“There are plenty of humans, dwarves, and elves to kill,” demonic Hurlock warrior says. “The job market for marauding demons is strong. I just worry about what comes next, after we’ve killed them all.”

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World

After 30 Years, World War II Shows No Sign of Ending

ww2

Roughly 30 years after the first shot was fired, it seems nothing — not the billions of lives lost, not the trillions of dollars spent, not even the repeated assassination of the dreaded Mecha-Hitler — will bring about the end of World War II.

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Local

Apocalypse Survivor Irritated By Helpful Companions

l4dcoach

“Stop shooting!” a survivor known only as “Coach” yelled at his three baffled companions, who were trying to save his life from hordes of rampaging infected humans. “I need melee kills!”

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Lifestyle

Minigames Will Never Be Art, Rapture’s Theatre Critic Declares

sander

Sander Cohen, resident playwright, sculptor, poet, and theatre critic in the undersea city of Rapture, has definitively determined that minigames are not art, nor will they ever be.

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Work Stuff

The Office Mate — A Play In Two Acts

The Office Mate is a play in two acts. It was written by Christopher Livingston. CURTAIN UP: INT – OFFICE WITH TWO DESKS AND TWO WORKERS. ONE WORKER IS NAMED CHRISTOPHER LIVINGSTON. THE OTHER WORKER IS NAMED PETER PETER IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER LOOKING ON THE GROUP DRIVE (CALLED THE X-DRIVE) FOR SOME CONSTRUCTION […]

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Life Stuff

The Project Engineer Is Present

An artist named Marina Abramovic is performing in the Museum of Modern Art, in an installation called The Artist is Present, where she sits in a chair all day, from the museum’s opening to closing. Apparently, that’s all she does, sit in a chair, staring straight ahead, which is apparently art. Well, shit. I’ve been […]

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Sports

Red Sox Pitcher Drills Eight Consecutive Batters In Season-Opener

sox

“There were no warnings from the ump, and no bench clearing brawls, even after drilling eight straight batters in the head with fastballs. That’s really disappointing. I was really hoping there would be fights this year.” says Josh Beckett.

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Local

Suspect in 1,137 Cop Slayings Released

niko

The sole suspect in over a thousand violent cop killings was reluctantly released today with no formal charges being filed, police say. Despite overwhelming evidence, the lack of a legal system in Liberty City prevented police detaining and trying the suspect for his alleged crimes.

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Lifestyle

Beatles Fans Shocked, Disappointed By Poor Beatles Performance

Beatles_Cavern

“I was expecting The Beatles, but this sounded more like a disorganized, possibly drunk bunch of amateurs, trying to play the same one song over and over, stopping in the middle, and then starting over again,” said Cavern Club patron.

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