Local

Gotham’s Legendary Crime-Fighter Gradually Learns to Fight Crime

batman

Legendary Gotham City crime-fighter Batman, after years of vigilante service combating thugs, monsters, and super villains, gradually learned a number of basic crime-fighting moves while dealing with the Joker’s recent takeover of Arkham Asylum.

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World

Exploration, Puzzle-Solving Teaches Kids Non-Violence, Alarmed Parents Say

creature

As word spreads of the adventures of quirky, charming, non-violent adventurers using puzzle-solving and exploration to cope with their problems, parents are growing more and more concerned that today’s children are learning that non-violence is an option.

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Local

No Sign Of Caucasian Assassin At Party, Chilean Guards Report

hitman

Three members of an all-Chilean bodyguard detail tasked with protecting Don Fernando Delgado and his son, Manuel, have reported seeing no sign of a deadly Caucasian assassin who may be attempting to infiltrate their ranks.

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Local

Control Point Seriously Needs Capturing, Soldier Points Out To Guys

capture

In the midst of a hotly contested battle to capture a control point, a soldier for the Builders League United (BLU) announced to several guys that they needed to capture the control point. Seriously.

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Opinion

Keep Government Hands Off Our Swarms of Personal Attack Bees

bioshock-intro-12

Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? To the fruits of his labors? To the stinging swarms of his army of personal attack bees?

By Andrew Ryan, founder of Rapture

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Local

Adventurer Finds Killing Mole Rats Makes Him A Better Lockpick

lockpick

A former vault-dweller known only as the Lone Wanderer was both pleased and perplexed to discover that killing mutated mole rats with a baseball bat has somehow made him better at picking locks.

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Local

Engineer Sure Wishes He Could See His Spine-Mounted Health Meter

deadspace

“Who designed this stupid spacesuit?” asked Isaac Clarke, a systems engineer, while whirling around and craning his neck in an effort to view his own back. “They built the health meter on the spine? Really? On the spine? Who is this supposed to be useful for, someone standing behind me?”

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World

Jobwatch: Marauding Demons Face An Uncertain Future

dragonage

“There are plenty of humans, dwarves, and elves to kill,” demonic Hurlock warrior says. “The job market for marauding demons is strong. I just worry about what comes next, after we’ve killed them all.”

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World

After 30 Years, World War II Shows No Sign of Ending

ww2

Roughly 30 years after the first shot was fired, it seems nothing — not the billions of lives lost, not the trillions of dollars spent, not even the repeated assassination of the dreaded Mecha-Hitler — will bring about the end of World War II.

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Local

Apocalypse Survivor Irritated By Helpful Companions

l4dcoach

“Stop shooting!” a survivor known only as “Coach” yelled at his three baffled companions, who were trying to save his life from hordes of rampaging infected humans. “I need melee kills!”

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