Lifestyle

Minigames Will Never Be Art, Rapture’s Theatre Critic Declares

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Sander Cohen, resident playwright, sculptor, poet, and theatre critic in the undersea city of Rapture, has definitively determined that minigames are not art, nor will they ever be.

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Sports

Red Sox Pitcher Drills Eight Consecutive Batters In Season-Opener

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“There were no warnings from the ump, and no bench clearing brawls, even after drilling eight straight batters in the head with fastballs. That’s really disappointing. I was really hoping there would be fights this year.” says Josh Beckett.

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Local

Suspect in 1,137 Cop Slayings Released

niko

The sole suspect in over a thousand violent cop killings was reluctantly released today with no formal charges being filed, police say. Despite overwhelming evidence, the lack of a legal system in Liberty City prevented police detaining and trying the suspect for his alleged crimes.

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Lifestyle

Beatles Fans Shocked, Disappointed By Poor Beatles Performance

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“I was expecting The Beatles, but this sounded more like a disorganized, possibly drunk bunch of amateurs, trying to play the same one song over and over, stopping in the middle, and then starting over again,” said Cavern Club patron.

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Local

Police Investigate Latest Disappearance of M.I.T. Graduate

freeman

Police today questioned a mysterious, possibly malevolent agent known only as G-Man as part of their investigation into the latest disappearance of M.I.T. graduate, professor of theoretical physics, and former Black Mesa Research Facility employee Gordon Freeman.

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World

Panau President Claims Sudden Climate Change Not Man-Made

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A sudden rise in temperature on the island of Panau, possibly brought on by massive explosions and the resulting fires, has some climatologists concerned about man-made climate change, but Panau President Pandak “Baby” Panay claims it is just part of the island’s natural cycle.

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World

Desperate, Marooned Astronaut Tries To Use Every Item With Every Other Item

thedig

Trapped on a mysterious planet and stumped for ideas, NASA Pilot and survival expert Commander Boston Low, trying to transport himself and his crew back to earth, has resorted to trying to use every item he’s found with every other item he’s found.

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World

Report: One in Four Children Born With Ability To Slow Down Time

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A shocking report was released today by medical researchers working at the Mount Sinai Medical Center’s Bullet-Time Research and Treatment Division, stating that as many as one in four children today are being born with the ability to temporarily slow down time.

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World

Commander Shepard Triumphantly Resolves Minor Squabble

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Citizens of the universe, still in grave peril from an alien species of immense power and unthinkable evil, rejoiced at Commander Shepard’s key role in solving this minor disagreement.

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Local

$200 Million Nanosuit Used Primarily to Throw Turtle Around

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A U.S. Army Delta Force team member, dispatched to combat North Korean Forces who had taken over an island in the South China Sea and abducted several archeologists working there, has been using his taxpayer-funded, $200 million combat Nanosuit primarily to throw a turtle around.

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